The Pratchett Quote File v6.0 [Prev Page] [Index] [Next Page]

alt.fan.pratchett


I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

"But ye gotta know where ye're just gonna rush in. Ye cannae just rush in anywhere. It looks bad, havin' to rush oout again straight awa'."

-- Feegle tactics (Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men)

There will also be the usual welter of 'Good Morning, A Place I've Never Heard of' shows and, a lovely term, a number of drive-by signings.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat :-)

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

It gets worse. I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

There should be a notice ahead of the movie that says 'This movie is PG. Can you read? You are a Parent. Do you understand what Guidance is? Or are you just another stupid toddler who thinks they're an adult simple because they've grown older and, unfortunately, have developed fully-functioning sexual organs? Would you like some committee somewhere to decide everything for you? Get a damn grip, will you? And shut the wretched kid up !'

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

The difference between me and Neil in our attitude to movie projects is that he doesn't believe they're going to happen until he's sitting in his seat eating popcorn, and I don't believe they're going to happen.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

However, you do need rules. Driving on the left (or the right or, in parts of Europe, on the left and the right as the mood takes you) is a rule which works, since following it means you're more likely to reach your intended rather than your final destination.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Every procedure for getting a cat to take a pill works fine -- once. Like the Borg, they learn...

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: 'Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?'

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

A true beanie should have a propellor on the top.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I'm me.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I think that sick people in Ankh-Morpork generally go to a vet. It's generally a better bet. There's more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say "it was god's will" when granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I have to admit that I drive past Bridgwater quite regularly. And fast.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

What you have here is an example of that well known phenomenon, A Bookshop Assistance Who Knows Buggerall But Won't Admit It (probably some kind of arts graduate).

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Never trust any complicated cocktail that remainds perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

In Reading [England] there is this thing called the IDR, short for "Inner Distribution Road", which is bureaucratese for "Big thing that cost a lot of money and relieves traffic problems, provided all your traffic wants to orbit the town centre permanently". It's a 2-3 lane dual carriageway that goes round the town centre. It has lots of roundabouts, an overhead section, a couple of spare motorway-like exits (that's British motorways -- y'know, the roundabout with the main road going under it), and a thing called the Watlington Street Gyratory, where you have to get in lane for your intended destination about three years and two corners before you get there with no signposting. I used to cycle along it every day to get to school, before I fell off at 35 mph. [Kids! Don't try this at home!] I know it well. I believe it is impossible to leave Reading heading west.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

"Out of Print" is bookseller speak for "We can't be hedgehogged".

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

AFPer: We've missed you, did you miss us? TP: Yes, but I think I have time to reload. :-)

-- Terry returns to a.f.p. after a temporary absence. (Terry Pratchett and an AFPer, alt.fan.pratchett)

I was thinking of 'duh?' in the sense of 'a sentence containing several words more than three letters long, and possibly requiring general knowledge or a sense of history that extends past last Tuesday, has been used in my presense.'

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Oh, come on. Revelation was a mushroom dream that belonged in the Apocrypha. The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

'Educational' refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I once absend-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Well, they asked me in February, and I said it was coming out in November. When they asked in March, I said it was coming out in November. In April I pointed out that November, in fact, was going to be when the next book came out. In May, when asked on many occasions about when Maskerade was coming out, I said November. In November, it will be published. The same November all the way through, too.

-- So Terry, when is 'Maskerade' coming out, then? (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Bognor has always meant to me the quintessential English seaside experience (before all this global warming stuff): driving in the rain to get there, walking around in the rain looking for something to do when you're there, and driving home in the rain again...

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, travelling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abcesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say 'yes'.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I must confess the the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occured to him.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I'm referred to, I see, as 'the biggest banker in modern publishing'. Now there's a line that needed the celebrated Guardian proof-reading.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I save about twenty drafts -- that's ten meg of disc space -- and the last one contains all the final alterations. Once it has been printed out and received by the publishers, there's a cry here of 'Tough shit, literary researchers of the future, try getting a proper job!' and the rest are wiped.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I reckon that Stonehege was build by the contemporary equivalent of Microsoft, whereas Avebury was definitely an Apple circle.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

-- Terry defending his solution to the Monty Hall problem. (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Currently there's five machines permanently networked here. They all contain the serious core stuff. A couple of the machines are pensioned off 486s, with little other value now. Plus there's two Jaz drives in the building and the portable also carries a fair amount of stuff. Plus every Friday a man comes around and carves all the new stuff onto stone slabs and buries them in the garden... I think I'm okay.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don't know how to do it, and wouldn't be any good at it if I did, so I'm going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course...

-- Terry learns Naomi Campbell has written a book. (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

She wanted a HOLIDAY in Australia, she said, and if I turned it into work she'd hit me -- so I gave in, because I did not want to be beaten about the Bush.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb -- they're often students, for heaven's sake.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES?

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

The net software here did its meltdown trick again at the weekend (it happens about once every six months -- if only everything was as reliable as WordPerfect 4.2, which only chews up a novel about once every two or three years...)

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I'd like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their burger -- chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce... It is common knowledge in my family that I can't tell the difference between a veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so high.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

'They can ta'k our live but they can never ta'k our freedom!' Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker...

-- Braveheart (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Mort isn't fashionable UK movie material -- there's no parts in it for Hugh or Emma, it's not set it Sheffield, and no one shoves drugs up their bum...

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Too many people want to have written.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

DW is based on a slew of old myths, which reach their most 'refined' form in Hindu mythology, which in turn of course derived from the original Star Trek episode 'Planet of Wobbly Rocks where the Security Guard Got Shot'.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Up until now I'd always though RSI meant 'I hate my damn job'.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

You know what I'd really, really like? What I'd pay MONEY for? A ZX81 with a disc drive. I understood the ZX81. It was so easy to interface stuff to it.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Not only did I wipe Lemmings from my hard disc, I overwrote it so's I couldn't get it back.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

To get the walkthrough, you have to take the sponge from Nanny Ogg's pantry and stick it in the ear of the troll with the tutu, then take the lumps and put them in the pouch with the zombie's razor.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

You can't remember the plot of the Dr Who movie because it didn't have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Dream on. British TV Is The Best In The World is on a par with the statement about how British Justice Is The Envy Of The World ("Hey, Miguel, how come we can't convict innocent people so quickly and expensively?")

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

You will have to look a long way before you find a bunch of scum-suckers more greedy, humourless and deserving of death than the suits in the music business.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I found while driving in Wyoming that wearing a stetson and driving a beat-up pickup meant you could go as fast as you like, while the police picked up Californian winnebagos that went one mph over 55. After all, they wanted to bring money into the state, not merely circulate it.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

And before anyone complains about the grammar, I'm so jetlagged that my hands aren't even in the same time zone...

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I always call it 'Tour Flu', because two or three weeks in hot bookshops with hundreds of people usually produces an ailment of some kind. Going on tour is like a box of rare diseases -- you never know what you're going to get.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Let's see, now... in HOGFATHER there are a number of stabbings, someone's killed by a man made of knives, someone's killed by the dark, and someone just been killed by a wardrobe. It's a book about the magic of childhood. You can tell.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

If it wasn't for the fun and money, I really don't know why I'd bother.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

One of the highlights of the first Good Omens tour was Neil and I walking through New York singing Shoehorn with Teeth. Well, we'd had a good breakfast. And you don't get mugged, either.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Botswana is also the only country in the world with a colour in its flag meant to represent rain (a sort of blue-grey). Not many people know this.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

1) I have never waved a hankie in anger 2) I do not peronally know any Morris dancers 3) But Morris dancing is kind of funny and weird at the same time.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Any town built by filling a mud hole with sawdust and proudly having a slug as a sort of civic totem is a town, one feels, where Rincewind would feel right at home.

-- Terry looks forward to his visit to Seattle, USA. (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Somehow, trying to get Granny Weatherwax and 'panty raid' into the same sentence is beyond me.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll cheerleaers would be nice: 'Two... four.... er.. many... lots'.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Experience has taught me that you feel better on a flight if you avoid chicken fat in plastic sauce.

-- The joys of travelling the world by plane (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I stroll along, talk, I sign books, people buy me drinks, I forget where my hotel is, I get lost and fall into some local body of water... done it hundreds of times.

-- Going to a convention is fun! (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I've always thought the Patrician is a party animal. Can you imagine waking up next day and remembering all those witty things you said and did, and then realising that he was listening?

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

It's an old magical principle -- it's even filtered down into RPG systems -- that magic, while taking a lot of effort, can be 'stored' -- in a staff, for example. No doubt a wizard spends a little time each day charging up his staff, although you go blind if you do it too much, of course.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Take One ticket to New Orleans Take One cab to Bourbon Street Take steps to the counter of the all night frozen dacquiri shop. Take One Large Cupful.

-- Terry's recipe for the Ultimate Banana Dacquiri (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

AFPer: Terry, what the heck was going on at the end of Strata? I've just re-read the ending again and come up with another possible explanation which takes the total number into double figures. TP: See? Other people would just have given you one or two. Amazing value, I think.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

3) I don't sign parts of the body, even if they're still attached.

-- From Terry's Rules of Book Signing (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coathanger, it's American editors.

-- Setting the record straight (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I don't think I've ever been critical of the money Douglas Adams makes, especially since, as has been tactfully pointed out, I myself have had to change banks having filled the first one up.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

Oh dear, I'm feeling political today. It's just that it's dawned on me that 'zero tolerance' only seems to mean putting extra police in poor, run-down areas, and not in the Stock Exchange.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)

I'm getting a lot of mail and email about FoC (I particularly liked the postcard which read 'We were sure it was the wallpaper, you bastard!!!!!'). I'm glad to say that most Baconians hared off after poissons rouge.

-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)


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