alt.fan.pratchett : The Best Of AFP

AFP Nursery School


Date: 15 Jan 2004
From: Jon Brierley

(Editor: Whilst AFP Nursery School is entirely fictional, the characters represented are real and any similarities to a.f.p. posters are intended and non-coincidental.)

Children ... we're going to do our nice "Moving to Music" this morning, so let's make a lovely fairy ring, shall we? And then we'll all choose something to be today.

Let's make a big circle - spread out - wider - wider - just finger-tips touching - that's it.

Now then, let's all put on our Thinking Caps, shall we, and think what we are going to choose to be.

Lisa? - What shall you be?
A werewolf. I see. Are you sure you wouldn't rather be a nice pony?
No? Very well, you can be a werewolf.

Eric? What are you being?
A punk. I'm not sure you can be a punk, Eric.
Well, it's not nice, is it.
And I'm sure real punks don't do that, Eric.
Oh. Do they?
Well, alright, but be a punk quietly.

James .... don't do that.

Jenny, come here.
Jenny, when we have paid a visit to the littlest room, what do we do?
That's right, we pull our knickers up again.

Marco! Orjan! What are you doing right down at the back there?
But it's not story time yet, dear.
No, you can't have a story time of your own.
Because I said so.
Come down here, dears, and join in with the "Moving to Music".
That's better. Now, what are you going to be?
Heroes? That's very nice, dear.

Adrian? What about you? What are you going to be?
A dragon. That's very good, Adrian.
No, Adrian, stop biting Stacie.
No, I don't care if you are a flesh-eating dragon, nice dragons don't eat little girls.

No, they don't, Gideon.
I don't care what it says in the big book in the library, Gideon. Nice dragons don't bite little girls. Not in my class, anyway.

Say you are sorry to Stacie, Adrian. You needn't kiss her.
No, you needn't hug her.
Adrian, PUT HER DOWN.
No fisticuffs, please.

He hasn't made any teeth marks, has he, Stacie?
Well then ... don't fuss.

What are you today, Paul?
A ferret? But you're always a ferret, Paul.
Yes, dear. Don't cry, please. Big boys don't cry.
Yes, I know you're very good at remembering everybody's birthdays.
Yes, all right, you can be a ferret if you want.

James? What did I tell you not to do?
Well then, don't do it.

Stacie? What shall you be, dear?
A knight with a sword? I don't think a little girl can be a -

Yes, thank-you, Gideon, that's enough.
Yes, I know you are the best at reading, but sometimes I do think you're getting ahead of yourself. It was Principles of Political Economy last week.

Yes, Daibhid, you did read Billy and Bobby Go Boating beautifully.

All right, Stacie dear, you can be a knight with a sword.
A lady knight with a sword, then.

Now, Graham, what do you want to be?
Oh dear.
What - how would you move to the music as one of those, Graham?
Oh dear.

Children, stop laughing. It isn't funny.
No, it isn't.
Now, children -
QUIET, PLEASE.
Don't get so excited.

James! ... Please stop doing that.

Graham dear, why don't you be a nice flower, like a rose?
All right.

Daibhid. Turn round, please, Daibhid. Right round.
Use your hanky, please, Daibhid.
And again.
And again.
And now wipe.
Thank you, Daibhid.

Now then, everyone, when the music starts, we're all going to move in time to the music, all being the things we've chosen. Ready? And off we go!

Lisa, I thought you were being a werewolf?
And do werewolves run round and round in circles barking like that?
This one does. I see.

Eric! What kind of punk are you?
You're a happy punk, aren't you?
That's better.

That's a lovely ferret, Paul.

Remember to breathe, Daibhid!

Stacie, what are you doing to James?
I don't care what he said, Stacie, I don't think you should -
No, don't all join in!
Gideon! Eric! Children, please -

Oh dear.
You know, sometimes I think that, with children, love just isn't enough ...

From an original by the late Joyce Grenfell


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