: The Best Of AFP

The Whole Holy War In One Sentence

Date: 7 Jun 2000
From: Mike Knell

OK, let's get the whole holy war over in one sentence:

The Bible is the contradictory but remarkably non-contradictory, verbatim and entirely fabricated word of a being who doesn't exist, but dwells in heaven and did and did not send his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but shall have everlasting life, although when you die the soul disappears, is reincarnated into a new body, and never existed anyway although it now dwells in heaven or maybe in hell or possibly in purgatory, limbo, valhalla, or among the flower people of the woods who ripped off all their ritual and festivals from pagans anyway who in turn had them handed down to them on Mount Sinai with some business involving a burning bush, inspiring them to write a holy book simultaneously in ancient hebrew, greek, arabic and sanskrit, because they could all understand all languages anyway until the aforementioned deity took offence at the assertion that the meek would inherit the earth, and smote them to the four corners of the earth, making their languages mutually incomprehensible at the same time, which is a bit of an irritation when you aren't entirely sure what the Word was in the first place, let alone whether the aforementioned book had five, thirty-nine, sixty-six, or even eighty parts, but anyway it is all made up and only a fool would believe in it enough that they could remember the names of all the gods, although of course there's just one god anyway who is called... oh, I forget the name, but what is important is that the nature of god is in us all and in none of us simultaneously, science has disproved the existence of any supernatural being anyway, you're running serious risk of burning in hell if you don't allow yourself to be saved by the light that shineth in the darkness (although the darkness comprehendeth it not) as well as in the temple and around the world, thus proving as surely as Noah begat Shem that heaven awaits nobody at all, or maybe those who observe the Sabbath and eat not of the flesh of swine, meat in general, seafood, fish except on Friday, alcohol or meat on Friday but eat bitter herbs and salt at Christmas, diligently reading the Books of Dawkins and following the path He set, and of course observing the feast of Eid al Yom Easter, as the Lord has dictated, or would have dictated if he exists, which he or she may do, although of course that should be "they" anyway as there are a multitude of gods rather than just the one in most religions of course, but my religion is the best as it's original, plagiarised, borrowed, evolved, the opiate of the masses, the light of the world, and just plain wrong in a strictly non-proselytisingly evangelical way, actually.

Mike "miss anything?" K.

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