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Winterton: Report

From: "Howard A. Callaway" <>
Subject: A[F]P Winterton Meet - A pre-report-report (kind of)
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1998 20:37:40 +0100
Message-ID: <>

Just staggered in from the Winterton Meet (day 1)

And as I warned the attendees I posting a brief spoiler of the events.

Howard - er.. me that is
and Garner of course

Instead of a report here are some questions you can try and answer using
only guesswork.  They may well be answered by the proper report,  which
should have a respectable[1] quote-file as well.

Anyway here goes:

Just what was Johns best on the table ?
What does Naomi want to chocolate coat ?
Who was Tap kissing ?
Where were the adults ?
Is it possible to fall asleep after Lava Java ?
Can you have too much chocolate ?

[1] In size not in content [3]
[2] Well okay who ?[3]
[3] But you could have guessed that
Howard A. Callaway  ----- Begin AFPCodeblock ----------- 
AFP Code 1.1 AC UK/US> d s-: a U++ R+++ F++++ h P-- OS+: 
C+++ M- pp! L+ c B+ Cn PT++ Pu40- 5++ X++ MT+ e++ r++>+++ 
y++@ ------ End AFPCodeblock ------------

From: "John Warden" <>
Subject: A[F]P Winterton Meet Quote File
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 17:17:28 +0100
Message-ID: <6v87at$b07$>

OK, folks, you asked for it, so now you're going to get it.
The actual report has been promised by Tap and/or Howard (at least for the
first half) with Naomi and/or Dooferlad filling in what hapened later.
Anyway, here are the more memorable of the quotes from the all day and half
the night Winterton meet (initial duration 13 hours - at least).

That's James's pinky, girly drink - Alex  (re: James, aka Dooferlad)

When you get down to it, it's all about your bits  - Alex

Ummmm, chocolate  - omnes

John definitely has the best sex-aid on the table  - Carol (now I wonder
what she was talking about )

This is an afpmeet, where do you think the adults are - in the pub, of
course  - one of Carol's children

Stop drooling, Garner  - Pam

I gotta have the recipe  - Carol

God, it takes the enamel off your teeth  - Pam

If it's about sex or chocolate, it has to be Carol  - Tap

I love just hitting it with a spoon, then it goes Pop! - Naomi

You're about to be quoted, darling  - Carol
Cool!  - Naomi

Do you want to go naked, Garner?  - Naomi

Help, I'm being slobbered on  - Alex

That's what my husband says; he polishes his  - Pam

How else do you get lifted out of a ditch by 20 blokes in green wellies and
barbours  - Pam

Is that the one with baked beans in it  - Judith (Naomi's mum, who was also

Alex, keep your trousers on  - James
Where's my camera?  - Pam

It's what we spend most of our lives doing, 'cos we're sad engineering
eeks  - Alex

Sex on legs  - Naomi (the first of several references to Stephen Briggs)

Lust at first sight  - Pam (referring to Naomi's reaction to Stephen Briggs)

And she stands there and looks so innocent  - Pam (ditto)

Stephen Briggs dipped in chocolate  - Naomi (swooning)

Stephen Briggs  - Naomi (said in a voice hoarse with passion)

The best thing ever is an orgasm; that's Bailey's, Cointreau and Stephen
Briggs  - Naomi (ditto)

She's good at hugging, is Naomi  - Pam

Latex . . .   - Pam (bursting into exceedingly sensual laughter)

Morris dancing buggers your joints up  - Pam

You two are cute  - Pam (to Alex and James)
No we're not, we're dark and evil and demonic  - Alex
No you're not, you're cute  - Naomi

If you insist on being silly, I'll buy you a big green thing  - John (to

I don't have any tights  - Alex

But enough about my lingerie  - Alex

You're supposed to open your mouth wider  - Naomi (to Alex)

I'm wearing my steel codpiece  - Alex

I was the one who put your hand on it, his codpiece was wonderful  - Pam (to

Teddy's was like a banana going the other way  - Judith (complete with
expressive gestures)

Normally, at this stage someone's saying "put him down"  - Pam
Why?  - Alex

Put him down, Alex, you don't know where he's been  - Pam (to Alex, who was
busily hugging James)

I would afpropose to James, but it would be rank bad form - we're already
cohabiting  - Alex

We don't need clothes, let's all go naked. I'll start  - Alex

Naomi started rubbing me  - James

You get fed, you get walked and people rub you all over  - Naomi

Are you going to get your bits out?  - Naomi (to James)

James, you don't know what I've been doing to you at night  - Alex

15 seconds is good enough for anyone's first time - Alex

I blow it in a certain way  - Naomi

Bugger!  - Naomi

Oh, you bastard!  - Naomi

I can't press the buttons and blow at the same time  - John

Just get kinky, it's a lot easier  - James (to Naomi)

I think we should all get Alex  - James

You can try it on full hardness first  - Judith (to Alex)

I haven't seen your bum  - Naomi (to Alex)
He's a cute git  - Naomi (to Alex, again)

Naomi's after James and you're chasing Alex  - Judith (to John)


You really had to be there to appreciate the context, but the prospect of
Naomi having Stephen Briggs dipped in chocolate was a recurring theme for a
good eight hours.

Head of Ailbhe's queueue, afpfiance to Carol, flying chef and provider of
the best sex-aid at the meet.

From: Naomi <>
Subject: Dooferlad's proposal (swoon) and Winterton meet
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 00:20:48 +0000
Message-ID: <>

This should have been done ages ago. Well alright the other week at
least. I've just been putting it off 'till I could scribe something
decent (G) and preferably tasteful.

Well before we get to the good stuff I'll explain a little of what
happened first.

The stalwart that remained after Howard left were: (BTW the Maya gold
was wonderful, thanks Howard)

John Warden (master of the Quotes)
Pam xxx
Judith my mum (Mrs Cake to those that went to the con.)
Garner the wonder dog 
And myself.

The conversation was non-stop for quite a while (hence the croaky voice
- see quote file).  Then the call for fish 'n' chips went up (me I'm
afraid). Alex and mum were dispatched to the chippy just round the
corner where Alex dazzled the Yokels much to the amusement and delight
of mum. 

Chips were duly guzzled (probably the only time I shut up for more than
30 seconds). Garner had a fair helping as there were far too many.

More talking followed and at a signal we all dashed for the pub. I can't
remember 99% of the subjects discussed and wish to forget the ones I do.

At about eleven, the last orders bell having being rung and some serious
quaffing still going on without any sign of stopping. James proceeded to
get down on one knee, take my hand and proposed amid much flash bulb
light and ahh's. He's lovely and Garner likes him which is always
important in a relationship, even a virtual one.

Some time later we said our farewells to Pam who unfortunately had to
leave us to help out a friend in need the next morning.  John, James,
Alex, Mum, Garner and myself adjourned to the house and had a few rounds
of Just a Minute Discworld style. It was all the more fun because of the
chaos, of trying not to interrupt because that meant you had to think of
something to say that wouldn't get quoted which by now was becoming very

Some of the subjects were quite interesting especially as they'd been
thought up by a university student (mentioning no names her D). These
included rubber and washing powder. I believe other subjects included
Pterry, The Patrician (guess who got this one and lost it rather quickly
but fought viciously over till the bitter end). Discworld, egg and cress
sandwiches etc, etc.

The annoying thing was that Alex had never played and never heard the
game on the radio. He won. Hence the expression "Lets all get Alex" (see
quote file). It's a game that definitely gets more interesting the more
you drink and the later (or in our case) the earlier it gets.

John departed at about half 2 and the rest of us crawled into bed
(separately I might add...well ok Garner came up with me).  The next
morning saw a fairly early start 9 am. The first order of the day in my
case was to see what was going down on afp. James heard the cries of
laughter and wondered about coming in. Good job he didn't, I was in my
nighty and it's not too flattering. 

Once dressed and calmed down went and put the coffee on for the boys.
Alex awoke to my little brother's are you gonna get up routine. He did
get a nice cup o' coffee handed to him though.

John came round a bit later before he drove home. He'd just had a nice
big English breakfast. Although Mr Hunt did tell me later that he had a
job staying awake at breckie.

We've been desperately thinking of some quotes to attribute to John but
unfortunately we're not that imaginative or in Alex and Doofies case
that cruel.

Erm that's more or less it 
Naomi & Garner the Wonder Dog (guide cat - see below (G)
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the
Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading
a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

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