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Manchester: Report

From: Martyn Clapham <>
Subject: [F] Manchester meet 12th - 15th preliminary report ( long! )
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 23:00:57 +0000
Message-ID: <>

This is mainly a preliminary report on the ongoing Manc meet, but also a
way to get my version of events in first! :-)))

Also there are several holes in this as will be obvious later.

Attendees ( some intermittent, and in no particular order ) :-
Darren, Mary, Sarah ( Nanny Ogg ), Stu, Shadow, Kevin, Homicide, Goth
Alex, Doofie, Cookie, Nick ( IIRC ), Peter Ellis and his brother and
several more that I've forgotten due to serious brain fade!

The brain fade also means that I _really_ want corrections to things
I've got wrong!

I arrived in Manchester and dumped my car at Mary's, then went into the
meet by bus.

I arrived at the pub and looked round for the meet, especially upstairs
where Mary said she would be. No sign! I went back down and got accosted
by this strange man and his even stranger side-kick! This turned out to
be Shadow and Homicide who had recognised my by my T-shirt ( which to
make things easy has my name on it! :-) ). They hadn't found Mary
either, so a cunning plan was thought up and we rang her mobile. The
statement 'We are downstairs, where are you?' got the reply that they
were upstairs and would wave when we appeared and also that Stu would be
sent to find us. We went up the stairs at the front of the pub,
unfortunately Stu came down the ones at the back! Oops!

Any we all got together and beer was hired. About 3.15 it was decided
that myself, Shadow and Homicide should migrate to the signing while the
rest stayed in the pub.

( break number one :-) )

We ended up about a third of the way down the queue and while we were
waiting ( Terry was late coming from Sheffield ) Goth Alex turned up.
At one point he decided to try and scare me by being 'Scary Alex',
however as this didn't work he decided to try 'Teletubby Alex'!! Let me
tell you that Alex coming towards you saying 'Big hug!' is _really_

Eventually, we got to the front of the queue, but as my T-shirt was
obviously connected with afp the others wanted me to go after them, I
managed to get in front of them though. :-)

Having got to Terry I then had to talk to him when he saw the T-shirt,
for someone as shy as me this was _not_ easy, but I got through it.

Eventually we got back to the pub and rejoined the meet.

Various people appeared and disappeared until closing time including
Peter Ellis, who was presented with a T-shirt saying 'The Singing Ewok'
by Mary as a late birthday present. When the pub shut the following
headed back to Mary's.

Sarah, Mary, Stu, YHN, Cookie, the Ellis brothers, Shadow, and Homicide.
The first three in Sarah's car and the rest of us by taxi.

Various things I'm really trying to forget happened until about 3.30am
at which time most of us crashed out and Sarah drove home.


Cookie disappeared at some unearthly hour of the morning.

I woke up around 9.30 and started reading T5E, others stirred later and
eventually Blake's 7 was put on and geeked at, with YHN and another
still in their sleeping bags. Eventually we were all up and a visit was
made to the chippy and off-licence for dinner. This was at about 2.15pm,
unfortunately the chippy shut at 2! A decision was made to go to KFC, on
arrival there the menu was perused and it was decided to buy two mega-
buckets. This comprised 28 bits of chicken and 8 lots of fries!

After dinner the football was put on so YHN disappeared into another
room to read T5E! :-))

About 5pm I set off for Buxton and a performance of Maskerade as
advertised by Sarah.

( break number two )

The play was well performed and while I spotted a few things that
niggled me, two turned out to be pronunciation jokes by Terry that the
cast got right while I was wrong. :-(

While there Sarah was contacted and told that she was welcome to follow
me back to the meet.

I arrived back at the meet at about 11.30pm.

Around 12.15am Trivial Pursuit was mentioned and as this is one of the
few things I'm good at I supported the idea of a game. Again brain fade
has intruded, but I'm pretty sure that the teams were as follows.

Peter Ellis, Mary and Stu.
YHN, Sarah and Peters brother.
Doofie, Shadow and three others ( later joined by Darren )

Given my ability at this game it will come as no surprise to hear that
our team won.

Around 2.30am folk crashed out and Sarah went home.


This time it was Peter who disappeared early in the morning.

I woke up around 8.30am ( Having less lie-in on Sunday than on Saturday
was very strange! ) Eventually everyone surfaced and waited for the time
to go to the pub for lunch. While we were waiting a new version of the
'Pants game' was invented, as I'm pure and innocent ( just ask Stu, Mary
and Sarah ) I'll simply say that it was called the dildo game and leave
others to provide the sordid details! :-)

Eventually we all trooped off to a pub lunch, where the level of the
conversation can be guessed by the fact that the _mildest_ comment was
about the vibration harmonics of someone's chest!

I left before the others to go to the shop and watch Blake's 7.

( break number 3 )

When everyone got back Blake's 7 was put on and geeked at ( including
disparaging remarks about Cally! ).

At this point the meet split up and some people went upstairs to listen
to music.

Sarah turned up again and went to join the music group.

Eventually I got fed up of Callys antics and also went upstairs.

Favourite lyricists were discussed and me and Stu geeked ELO. :-)

Eventually I thought I ought to come home and left the meet at around

I would just like to publicly thank Mary and Darren for opening up their
house to a load of nutters and also Sarah, Stu, Doofie and others for
their efforts at getting me to lighten up and enjoy myself. These must
have worked, because at one point I even rendered Stu speechless, which
is extremely difficult to do! :-)))

Eventually this will be replaced by a _very_ appriopriate quote from T5E, 
unfortunatly I think it's a spoiler at present! :-(
Afpurity = 49% old test, 37% new test. Beyond the point of no return! :-)

From: Martyn Clapham <>
Subject: [F] Manchester meet 12th - 15th preliminary report part 2
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 20:00:27 +0000
Message-ID: <>

Following up my own post cos I forgot a couple of things.

Firstly, there is something that was noticed in Nanny Oggs Cookbook.

I was browsing through this at the pub and saw the scrabble letters at
the bottom of the picture of Leonard of Quirm. I made the mistake of
mentioning this to Peter Ellis. :-)

Suddenly he's trying to decode the words that the letters make!

He got 'Oh wretched mortals' from one set, and something strange which I
can't remember from the other.

The second item is actually something I need help on.

Just before I left last night people were moaning that it wasn't a real
student type meet as no one had brought a traffic cone back to the
house. ( Although the person I took to KFC wanted to bring back one of
the 'Wet Floor' cones! )

On the news tonight was the announcement the persons unknown had stolen
4 large traffic signs from Manchester centre.

My question is, should I tell the police of my suspicions?


Eventually this will be replaced by a _very_ appriopriate quote from T5E, 
unfortunatly I think it's a spoiler at present! :-(
Afpurity = 49% old test, 37% new test. Beyond the point of no return! :-)

From: (AFPSaint Mary Capel)
Subject: Mancafpmeet, the definitive report.(long)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 00:37:42 GMT
Message-ID: <>

The One in Which Mart Got Outrageous :-)
Sc1 Int Pub (moon under water)
Present are Saint Mary D'afp (heretofore known as Mary) Nick (Nick)
Stuart Nearly Divorced (stu)
Burgers are consumed after business with irate waitress.(stilton
cheeseburgers....AAAAAGGHHHH ! orgasm!)
and conversation turns to many things whilst the arrival of more
afpers is
eagerly awaited.
Mary disappears off to the toilet for what we thought must have been a
remarkably Exuberant w**k. We were wrong
 Stu looks up.
His face registering an incandescent vision : Mary in a T shirt
printed with
a legend....
" The Slutch Puppies
With Stu Harvie"
Mary twirls, the vision revealing itself in three dimensions, (and
life ) and Tour dates printed on the Back.
His Heart Breaks, " I have a  fan " he dribbles incoherently. and
quietly  forwards into his empty plate.
Mary's Phone rings....The waitress grabs Stus hair, and bouncing his
head off
the table, removes his plate.

Mary: Hello...we're upstairs. yes we are. honestly.

the gang of three are discovered by Shadow (Chris) Mart (Mr
Homicide, and Dooferlad.
Beer is leased, consumed and recycled.
Mart gets out the Pictures......
Money Changes hands.
Stu begs for one in particular offering Mart a deal of Faustian

.....and  a deal is struck.
Mart and his acolytes remove to the signing.To return later......

Mary sings forth....The Sofas! so we go, carrying all our worldlys and
some the top of the stairs, where
there is a Chesterfield and Squireley armchairs. We feel truly
genteel, but
for the filth spilling forth from the mouth of Stu.
The Signing contingent return.and hogs exchanged.(or should that be
More People arrive and are welcomed,
Alex (who's Hair is tousled)
Alex's Friends , a gothy type and his lady friend.
Jo A splendid Lady from Stockton , who didn't stay long...wonder who
upset her

    [at this point I have to point out that Doofer decided, that Stu,
having gone home and returned needed a REAL drink, constructed a Big
Purple thing: Part Cider, Part Lager, Mostly Vodka....and all Satan's
work with a bit of Blackcurrant for luck. The reason I point this out
is that at this point this correspondent's Memory becomes unreliable,
and Mary is called  upon to fill in...Ooooer]

Jon Ellis ...(yes, indeed....)
Peter Ellis! Stu's first meeting with this fine old Master.
 A Legend in his own lifetime, this fine studier of rodent sperm
arrived and disappeared in a cloud of  Mary Hug.( an awe inspiring
sight) and emerged with a pressing need to change his shirt. The New
shirt announced:  "The Singing Ewok"
 And of course, he is.

Sarah D' ogg. (who fell asleep. Then Stayed sober negating the
requirement for trasmats home) 
Sue (Ratatouille) and Mick. (monsieur Ratatouille)
Ccooke (no intro necessary)
As is the way of all things, human nature decrees mating habits will
be displayed in public, and not a few metres from the assembled
afpalot, a courting couple just cannot wait. 
We watch with (masterly)  baited breath.
(adopt a Mills and Boon stylee)
 His hands flowed over her like a tidal wave, yearningly she arched
her back, the pint glass slipping from her fingers as she thrust her
hips forwards to meet his.
They fell to their knees, desire filling their souls as they melted
into each other, they were lost, souls enmeshed as their mouths
soldered to each other. 
the outside world no longer mattered....
    (back to reality)
which is a good job cos they keel over like a pair of mating tree
trunks. Much hilarity ensues. They don't notice and continue their
Still, takes all sorts.

Scene II
Int. The stately home of Saint Mary and Sir Darren 
Much has already been written of this, so only that which has not
already been covered will be errr... covered.
Darren (in Bed, but there in errr.... ok. Bed.)
Nick (also in Bed.)
(not the same one tho' . Honest)
Sarah (thanks for the lift)
the usual business, Geeking etc, till someone mentions soggy Biscuit,
and it falls upon Stu to explain the vile concept. 
He does this with a remarkable feeling for detail and storytelling.
( Sometimes I scare Myself you know)
Mart is shocked at Stus depravity, until the DEAL is bought up again.
More public school  "sports" are geeked. 
More Wine. 
The Toilet seat at castle Capel is Possessed by a meat eating demon.
Stu posits a solution and borrows Ccookes Tool (ooer)
and fails miserably at exorcising the beast. Still, kept him out of
trouble for 5 minutes.
then I cannot remember a thing. I went home and fell into a coma, and
went back chez Mary et Darren in the late morning, clutching my PC.

Network Quake is Loaded. 
People begin to stir.(Music: Peer Gynt...) like a field of Mighty
warriors ready for the battle, the room of dazed afpers struggles to
KFC Loads of. 
Mart reads T5E and Blossoms into trainee outrageousness.
Ccooke retires homeward, and all is springing to life.

geeking interrupted by Saintly interjections of  "Underwear" fills the
Nick and Stu are gibbed  mercilessly by Darren, the body parts making
pretty patterns on the floor of deathmatch level 1.
Hugging takes Place. 
 There is a ring at the drawbridge, and begging admition is Kevin
Hackett, who, having travelled far brings gifts for the Saintly Mary.
(a Clarecraft Death, which Mary in her typically self deprecating
manner assumes is a general Meet Mascott
at first, only later realising it is a gift. You could hug her !)
Mart goes off to meet Sarah for a Play in Buxton.
 With the inevitability of a star dying, 7pm comes bashing at the
door, and with the return of the Ratatouilles, the brave group invades
the local Indian Restaurant.

Nick Consumes bleach disguised as lime Pickle.
Doofer does not speak Curry, and Mary translates for him.   Did you
realise that Narn Bread came from the outer reaches of the galaxy?(TM
St Mary)

Off-licences! the saviours of those who drink outside the normal
social mores!
Mary re-enacts a scene from Terminator whilst waiting for more alcohol
to be bought.
Nick seems to think he is in some way gravitically challenged, and in
order to disabuse him of this notion, Mary grabs hold of him , and
lifts him up in the air, a la Arnie. " I need your clothes, your
boots, and your motorcycle," she doesn't say 
Nick Gapes in Awe. 
Mary demonstrates the superior strength of the divinely blessed by
elevating Peter Ellis 2 ft off the ground.
Your correspondent is speechless with admiration.

And so to chez Capel again (BTW, these people are bloody saints.)
Triv. Persuit, with the team of Jon, Mart, Sarah emerging victorious,
Mary , Peter and Stu in second place, and everyone else (!) trailing

Beer, alcohol, geeking and Mart getting so outrageous, he shuts up
Read that bit again.
Mart Shuts Me up.

Way to go Mart!!

We fall asleep, darkness welcoming our tired soles.(apart from Mary's,
whose soles I had been Massaging all weekend. Ahem)  

Awake! for Morning in a bowl of light has cast the stone that put the
stars to flight!
"Bugger off, were tired"
Jon Moans that he's been woken. Strange that someone so Graceful can
be a little squeamish about a bit of noise...

Stu wakes up with someone else's socks in his mouth. 
NIIIIIIICE. Bleuchhh...
Peter Ellis must leave to bring musical enlightenment and beauty to
Cambridge (have you heard this man sing? divine)
 Tired, Stu retires to the sofa, beneath a rather nice Duvet whereupon
Mary joins him. He Massages..HER FEET!
Got it? Her FEET you filthy perverts!!
I dunno, some people.
Martyn impresses Stu once again with his ability to be naughty in
relation to this matter.  (High Five Mate)
Anyway. Stu denies it all.Officially.
    Lunch at the pub followed, with Mart getting more and more cool,
and breastularly fixated.And Mary getting redder and redder, her
cheeks("which cheeks?- Darren") finally settling on a fetching shade
of crimson.
 The D**do game (see other meet reports for details) continues, and
Stu breaches all bounds of decency by standing up and publicly being
errr... ok . filthy. Sorry folks. 

Stu goes to the toilet (no really there's a point to this) and reveals
a pressing need in the said convenience for locks. Please! Landlords,
For the Love of Io! a lock for some basic human dignity!

Return to base.Stairs were climbed, Abba listened to by some of the
Nick must return to the accursed Guildford.
 the vacuum this leaves is partly filled by the return of Sarah, and
refugees from Blakes 7. Music is geeked. Martyn impresses stu with his
ELO knowledge. People throw things at Stu for being sad. Conversation
becomes focussed on relationships and Stu comes to a momentous
decision. Anyone who knows him will know what this is, or at least
have a clue. Thanks Afpers, you are all the best friends one could
hope for. *Sniff*

Drinking! at an afpmeet! what a concept. But yes it happens.
Not only that, but the Dr Who Vids come out, not the BBC stuff, but
The Chase, an ace Dalek story complete with the Mary celeste, Crap
sailors, Frankenstein's Monster and trainee daleks! Yes, daleks that
have to count out loud, cos they're  thick.
They don't get any better than this, which Stu ( a Who Addict)
demonstrates by falling asleep in ep.4.
 An almost necrotic Stu staggers off to bed, accompanied by the
memories of another fine meet........

Quote file? be posted separately I am afraid....
3 days of afpmadness, Life changing events, lots of hugs, music, life
and foot massages.
Life is good .

In trying to be an  impartial observer, your correspondent has failed
and become flowery and pretentious. Forgive him.

He's had a Kickass Time.

Putting My Foot In It since 1964
Afpfianced to Saint Mary D'afp(woohoo)

AFP Saint Mary

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