The L-Space Web: The Timelines: The Temple Saga

The Temple Saga

May - July 1997


It all seems to have started when the title "AFPetite" was created by a couple of female afpers.


From: Jacqueline Hookey
Subject: Ookey's punctuat*i*on
Date: 29 May 1997

> 5'2" is not short, it is the perfect height![1] Everyone else is just too tall.
Ok Suzi, Tracy - I put forward the motion that 5'2"ish is the afperfect hight for a woman. All in favor say 'Wossaname'!!!!!


From: Suzi
Subject: Ookey's punctuat*i*on
Date: 30 May 1997

I propose that anyone of 5'2"ishness should now be referred to as AFPetite.


And there were those who wished to set up shrines to worship the AFPetites.


From: Jacqueline Hookey
Subject: Re: M*I*ssing presumed drunk
Date:19 June 1997

> OK Howard... as one of the co-founder AFPetites, I now hereby appoint
> you as the High Priest of the Temple of AFPetite adoration...

Now don't forget the weekly sacrificial choccy bar, if you wish to be truly pious!!!!!


From: Gid Holyoake
Subject: Re: yes *I* will marry you both!
Date: 20 June 1997

Steve.. I hereby pronounce you to be the official
"Priest of the Temple of AFPetite - Keeper of the Sacred Booze"...

Report to Howard for your responsibilities & duties...

Suzi
(no .sig I'm using his id)


And so, the first shrine was created.


From: Howard Callaway
Subject: Re: M*I*ssing presumed drunk
Date: 22 June 1997

To find us in Ankh, stand on Turnwise Broadway facing away from the
patricians palace along the Maul toward the Plaza of Broken Moons. The
Temple Of AFPetite Adoration is in front of you on the left, right on the corner.


This didn't suit all of the Harem members however. Some of them were too tall to qualify as AFPetites. So a second shrine was built.


From: Suzi
Subject: Re: M*I*ssing presumed drunk
Date: 24 June 1997

> BTW should we specify height for the AFPTall sub section of the
> AFPetite???

How about (as a suggestion from one of the AFPetite - if this is
acceptable?) anyone who is 5'5" or taller?? (Seeing as how AFPetite is
max height of 5'4".)


At which point, the shrines were brought together and The Temple of AFPdoration was born.
But what's the use of a Temple of AFPdoration without slaves or priests?


From: Julia Harris
Subject: Re: *I*Temple Duties - was yes *I* will marry you both!
Date: 24 June 1997

> I am presently compliling a list of slavely duties, would all members
> of the harem / temple with any suggestions please, most humbly,
> submit those suggestions to me as soon as you desire.

The list beginneth
1) Listen to all the requests of the Harem carefully
> 2) If we later deny that we made any such request - WE ARE RIGHT
3) Ensure that the bar is kept stocked with amaretto, cherry brandy, cointreau, whiskey (at least 30 brands) and at least one bottle of banana liqueur (no questions please)
4) Keep the choccy mountain high of all types of choccy
5) Know and remember which variety of choccy & alcohol we members of the temple enjoy
6) Massage any member (of the Harem or temple! boys keep your minds and hands in check) who requests it
7) Fetch and carry wossnames for us to wossname on
8) Work-out on your musscles and general physsiche (sp!)

That'll do for starters (8 is a magic number afterall!!)


And, yay, even a third shrine was added to The Temple of AFPdoration.


From: Loriba
Subject: Re: M*I*ssing presumed drunk
Date: 26 June 1997

> What about those who are five foot four an a half inches tall?

Perhaps they should be in a group of their own 'AFPverage' perhaps?


From: Suzi
Subject: Re: *I*Temple Duties - was yes *I* will marry you both!
Date: 28 June 1997

Welcome to the Temple (are you a willing slave, worshipper, or potential Priest??)

If the first... please report to the Head Slave (Russ) for your duties..

If the second... which shrine... AFPetite, AFPTall, AFPlump or APverage...

If the third... please report to Howard (High Priest) for your responsibilities...

(Or if you are a Harem Master(like Gid), please feel free to do what you
like, just remember to divvy up your harem into the afpropriate shrines
on entrance...)


Then there was the slave that got away...


From: Nathan F. Yospe
Subject: Re: *I* Temple business: The fugitive
Date: 27 June 1997

>> I've escaped and am somewhere in the viscinity of Peru, hiding.

> Thanks for the hint, we're bound to find you sooner or later - why not
> just give up!!!!! ;o)

Aha! But I have fooled you! I'm not in Peru, I'm in Tibet...
oh, bugger. <fx: starts running for the Nepalese border>


From: Russell Goff
Subject: Re: *I* Temple business: The fugitive
Date: 28 June 1997

At this moment, the temple security squad (Hereford Section) are
being despatched in Concorde equiped for HALO to track down the
infidel and bring him to justice. And as a blaspheemer he will be
stoned to death....., well, sort of pebble-dashed any way, if he
doesnt mind too much.
As head of Security, I have taken it upon myself to have a "mars bar
head" fitted, as befitting all security cheifs in the multiverse.


But escaped slaves sometimes return as....Freedom Fighters!


From: Nathan F. Yospe
Subject: Re: *I* Temple Business was (M*I*ssing presumed drunk)
Date: 7 July 1997

> SLAVE, report to the guard house. Fraternisation with the adorees is
> striktement verboten.

> Oh you was invited was you?

> Right then. Massage them all again a hundred times, and if its not
> done by sundown, I'll cut yer balls off.

> FX Stomps away, slips on polished floor, falls over, upsets an ice
> bucket. swears loudly, gets arrested by zealous legionaire and
> carried of to the Office for a lie down.

<fx: voice whispers out of the shadows: "You don't have to take this,
you know. The freedom fighters can get you free. A right respectable
bunch of gorillas (Ook!) oh yeah, and one orangatun, we are. Just be
ready when we come for you.">

<fx: in the distance, sounds of an elephant trumpeting and the fading
chorus of 'Awoowoowoo'>


So now there was a Temple complete with deities (to which a fourth shrine, AFPlump, had been added), slaves, guards, priests and even go^Huerillas. Life followed a very pleasant routine of massages, chocolate, cheesecake and, of course, alcohol for the Templars...but there were murmurings elsewhere. The non-Templars were slowly being driven insane.


From: Bryan
Subject: Re: *I* Temple business
Date: 30 June 1997

I like this thread. It's finally convinced me to killfile all
articles with the word "Temple" in the subject line.


For a little while, things began to get a little heated on the group with arguments developing between Templars and non-Templars. But then....


From: Suzi
Subject: Re: [M] Folks - can we stop and count to ten. S-l-o-w-l-y. Thank you.
Date: 08 July 1997

Please folks.... every time I think this has come to an amicable
conclusion someone else keeps chipping in.....

Please stop.... otherwise I'll go into my "Wouldn't it be nice if
everyone were nice" mode...... and you wouldn't like me when I'm nice!


From: T J Wilkinson
Subject: Re: [I] Humble Appology (Was: Highly [I] killfiled)
Date: 09 July 1997

Yes, I found the Temple stuff boring. So I killfiled the threads.
Occasionally I find other threads on afp boring. So I killfile them.
Therefore I can wander along in my own little world completely
ignorant of their existence.

Admittedly this option is not available to those who use newsreaders
without killfiles, which is part of the price of poverty. My
suggestion to anyone in this situation is to try to do what I did and
persuade your SO to buy/find you a newsreader that supports killfiles.

Before I killfiled the "*I* Temple" threads most of the names posting
to them looked familiar, I think it's a case of some afpers having
different senses of humour and longer attention spans or more time
than others. It would be nice if the conversations were taken to
e-mail or a mail-list but that's no reason to be nasty. Has anyone
here never enjoyed talking about something that not every member of
the group you were in found equally absorbing?


After which, in true alt.fan.pratchett fashion, the various threads veered off into a discussion regarding The Incredible Hulk.

For those of you that are fond of statistics, there were in excess of 500 posts within 30 Temple threads and subthreads between May and July 1997 - of which approximately 100 posts dealt with objections to the main Temple threads.

The full list of Subject headers is given below:



Here endeth the saga of the Temple.


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