Lady Philomena Frogspawn here with the latest and juiciest bits of social gossip, intrigue and downright smut from the parties and balls of the well-to-do and terminally inbred. There's a lot to talk about, so without further ado I'll relate to you the more noteworthy happenings of the last few weeks.

The Seventh Annual Fundraiser for Gnomes in Need

Now, as we all know, the civic institution of "Gnomes In Need" has been with us for some time now. Who would have believed this particular gem of the social calendar would survive for a seventh consecutive year? Suffice to say that, flying in the face of popular opinion, the Basic Banqueting Cadre had again organised an evening of 'fun' and 'entertainment' for the better class of people of the Ankh district. Aside from myself, it was noted that many of the higher lords and Guild members were also in attendance.

One of the most noteworthy attendees was Lord Selachii. In addition to providing a number of his own postgraduate students for the Dunk-Ankh game (all four are now recovering well after being retrieved from the water), he disappeared for twenty minutes only to arrive back just before the official counting with two thousand dollars. In light of the mysterious disappearance of Lord Edmondys of the Guild of Merchants and Traders only half an hour before, it was left to my good friend Lady Vimes (nee Ramkin), who was looking exquisite in pink taffeta, to announce the final total. Commander Vimes was present earlier in the evening but was unfortunately called away on a matter of civic duty.

All this, however, pales beside the sight of some of the older girls from the Quirm College for Young Ladies, who used the event as a coming-out occasion. All were wearing the pin of the Academy but dressed in exquisite style. Susan Sto Helit, in a rather eye-catching dress of black and... black, had on her arm an unknown beau who turned a number of heads among the females present and aroused the curiosity of even myself. All I have been able to ascertain is that he is rumoured to be from Llamedos and has some connection with the Academy. Rest assured, as new information is discovered I will try to keep you informed.

After adding up proceeds it was left to Lord Rust to deduct the twenty five percent destined for the Beggars' Guild, to supplement the anti-invitation issued some weeks previously. This ensured that we didn't have any of those grubby little oiks with their annoying personal habits spoiling what was a bad enough evening to start with.

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November 1998