Fan Fiction : Discworld : Discworld Diaries I

Discworld Diaries I

Jon Brierley RSGD9000 at

from The Archchancellor's Diary

4th Grune

Up at four, ran round quad, shot four duck and winged a gargoyle that couldn't move fast enough. Breakfast, duck. To office, found paperwork. Shouted at Bursar until it went away. Saw Stibbons, who gave me some rigmarole about artificial intelligence. Told him you couldn't fake intelligence and refused his request for further funding. Didn't tell him that faking stupidity is much easier. Lunch, lobsters. Felt rotten afterward, despite charcoal biscuit. Wrote to Esme again. She never answers, but sometimes feel she is the only one who truly understands me. Bloody good job too. Catch any of the buggers round here understanding me and we're all in trouble. Especially them. Dinner, pigs. Still felt rotten. Told the Dean exactly what he could do with new collapsible staff. Then spent three hours extracting staff. Librarian managed it in the end. Why does the Dean never do what I tell him when I want him to? Supper, chickens. Still felt rotten, shouted at Bursar to cheer self up. Bed, wrote diary. I think I'm ill; maybe I'm not eating enough?

from The Diary of Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson

5th Grune

Dear Diary,

A most interesting day today. Found new design of bollard in, Scorbic Street. I believe it is the first, of the new Mark Fours. Have updated copy of Ankh-Morpork Street Furniture accordingly.

Things go well at the Yard. Although, I had to confiscate some, herbal tobacco from Cpl. Nobbs. He is a good copper at heart, I am sure, but his smoking what he called his 'stash' in the toilets was, making some officers feel a little queer. Why Nobby's smoking should make officers molest dwarf Constable Heartface I do not know. I am not sure Heartface fits in at the Yard. He keeps adding pink frilly bits to his uniform. Perhaps he, is female. Commander Vimes says Nobby is a dope fiend, but I am sure, this is not true. Nobby is by no means a dope, and he is certainly not a fiend.

Went on patrol after giving Commander Vimes his paperwork. He is a fine commander and an inspiration to us all, and, I am sure he did not mean the things he said. (Although just in case, he did, I have ordered some illustrated manuals for the admin. section, so they will know exactly how to do it when he asks them).

On patrol met Mr. Dibbler. He seems to be, selling sausages again, although when I apprised him of the Named Meat Regulations (1733) he claimed they were not sausages, but in fact the fruit of the Agatean Sawdust Tree. I shall have to look it up. I also, cautioned him against trying to pass off hamsters as rats. He attempted to blame his supplier, who is apparently from Brindisi, and knows nothing.

Later on patrol I came upon Leery Ned (the Lobbins Clout Latchlifter) attempting to gain an entry to a warehouse in Long Hogmeat. I asked him to desist, and accompany me to the Yard, whereupon he gave me to understand that he was desirous of making use of my truncheon. Being eager to oblige, I acceded to his request. Ned is now in the cells, but I am still waiting for Igor to recover my truncheon. It seems he needs Doughnut Jimmy and some large rubber gloves.

In evening read interesting book, The Habits of Werewolves, by one B. Rivers. It told me, much I did not know, but one item gives me pause for thought. It seems that excessive excitement can cause werewolves to change shape, involuntarily. Since reading this, I have hidden the copy of The Joye of Snackes I confiscated from Nobby. It occured to me, it might lead impressionable readers astray, especially since it will be full moon soon.

Still not King. Good.

from the Diary of Verence II, King of Lancre

7th Grune

We find kinging still difficult. The chief difficulty is knowing which pronoun to use ....when are We one and when is one We? And can We never be I? We are confused.

8th Grune

Democracy still not working. We explained that there should be at least two parties with differing policies, but they said they all wanted the same things, that is, first rate public services with no taxation, and didn't see the point of having two parties to say the same thing in slightly different ways. Refrained from pointing out that nobody pays any taxes anyway. So We exercised the royal prerogative, which hadn't had a walk for weeks.

9th Grune

Caught iconographer from the Ankh-Morpork Times lurking in shrubbery. Seems there is a big demand for royal stories in the press. He was after a picture of the Queen with no clothes on; introduced him to Magrat, whereupon he promptly lost interest. Asked Shawn to escort him to border, and on no account take him past Nanny Ogg's cottage.

10th Grune

Lead story in today's Times; 'Hedgehog Scandal Probe in Royal Witchcraft Rumpus'. Oh dear.

11th Grune

Discovered that Sto Helit is supposed to render us a tribute every Soul Cake Tuesday, apparently in restitution for burning Lancre to the ground 300 years ago. Said tribute consists of 25 barrels of scumble. Have written to current Duchess, Susan, requesting same. Do not anticipate any difficulty with such a young girl.

12th Grune

Unexpected visit from Duchess of Sto Helit. Magrat tells me it will stop hurting eventually. Later issued proclamation forbidding all mention of former tribute on pain of having figgin toasted. On good side, now know which school to enrol Princess in.

13th Grune

Inspected Army. Told him he needed a shave. Ceremonial opening in afternoon. Felt silly declaring new privy open, but it seems that opening things is what Royalty is for, and a privy is all we have. Declined ceremonial first use of new facility, since privy is in a deep ditch and We are the highest peer in the land.

14th Grune

Discovered Minister of Information (Shawn) has been making things up in order to fill out press releases. He disputes this. Technically, a pronouncement denying that Uberwaldian forces had defeated our army and occupied Lancre is not a lie, but that isn't the point. I also questioned his denial of our possession of weapons of mass destruction, since Lancre does contain a) a lot of scumble and b) Granny Weatherwax.

15th Grune

Still King. Bugger.

from the journal of Leonard of Quirm

1st Sektober

I am becoming convinced that there is some relationship between the mass of an object and its attractive properties. I call this theory 'Big Things Cause Smaller Things to Fall Towards Them'. Experiments with dropping various weights of balls, made in different materials, off the Tower of Art resulted in proof that objects fall toward the center of the Disc in a precisely predictable manner, that ravens will eat anything vaguely eyeball-shaped, a thirty dollar fine for littering, and a caution from Captain Carrot for conduct prejudicial to the Publick Peace, to wit, bombarding a Watch officer with lead balls.

2nd Sektober

Had most interesting conversation with Mr. Dinwiddie, the Unseen University Bursar, regarding the properties of frogs. While talking with him, a large gentleman, whom I recognised as Archchancellor Ridcully, approached. The Bursar, on seeing this, left the ground and commenced to float upwards, thus removing himself from the Archchancellor's line of sight. My theory of mass increasing attractiveness clearly needs rethinking, and the phrase 'what goes up must come down' may need work, too.

On seeing me, the Archchancellor regaled me with a number of rather coarse remarks concerning some studies of the nude form I painted recently. I fear Mr. Ridcully lacks sufficient gravity for a such a responsible position as Archchancellor.

3rd Sektober

Dnif gnitirw htiw ym tfel dnah tsom gnitseretni. Siht swolla em ot tniap htiw ym thgir dnah ta eht emas emit.

Additional; forgot which hand was which and covered painting with formulae for extracting sunlight from cucumbers.

4th Sektober

Not entirely happy with painting work. Large canvas depicting Last Meal of the Prophet Ossory before his Untimely Death in a Bizarre Carpentry Accident, commissioned by the Ankh-Morpork Reformed Church of Om. I know it's in their holy scripture, but I really don't believe the kangaroo works. Still, they know what they like.

5th Sektober

Further to my discourse with the Bursar regarding ranidae, I am becoming convinced that the force we see in lightning has some bearing on the motion of animate creatures, and may even be the determinant factor between animate and inanimate matter. Need more frogs, and also a way to harness lightning.. Problem; lightning has tendency to be present most readily in upper atmosphere. Some sort of kite might be flown to collect the discharge, but how could it be launched at a sufficient height? Perhaps if one were to find a friendly giant, and stand on his shoulders ...

6th Sektober

Went down to beach, and played with pebbles. Most instructive.

7th Sektober

Tried other methods of collecting lightning. Observation shows that sparks of a similar nature may be obtained by stroking a cat with an amber rod. Problem; cat won't stay still to be stroked. Solution; create box to contain cat, with amber rod rollers fitted to stroke same.

Additional; Experiment in creating a tom-kit power source failed, as when cat is in box, cannot check state of cat or lighting-spark production, and if box opened, cat runs away, and I fear a still more adverse reaction were I to chain him up.

8th Sektober

Obtained new assistant skilled in the art of collecting lightning, according to his most excellent references. Most promising, despite tendency to call me 'marthter'.

9th Sektober

By means of combining various alchemical substances, at the suggestion of my assistant, succeeded in obtaining enough lightning-essence to apply in small amounts to selected frogs. Modulation of the amount applied caused frogs to croak in different pitches. Applying to all frogs at once produced a most interesting chorus effect.

10th Sektober

Met Librarian of Unseen University. It seems my work on the Theory of Creatures Changing from Simple Ones to More Complicated Ones will have to be revised somewhat, at least in the later chapters.

15th Sektober

Our experiments in using lightning essence to simulate the animation of living matter have reached a conclusion, and not, I fear, a happy one. The last few days all our efforts have been spent in collecting and storing sufficent lightning for our last and greatest experiment. This we achieved by means of many alchemical storage jars, a considerable length of copper wire, and Mr. Dawkins the Rubber Booted Atheist of Sto Lat, who stood on the roof and shouted atheistical abuse in the direction of Cori Celesti. A pleasant enough fellow, but not bright.

The next stage was to obtain for our purposes some formerly animate matter that we might contrive, by passing suffiicient lightning-essence through it, to render once more animate. My first attempt at this was not a success, as when I asked my butcher to provide me with the whole corpse of some creature, the berk gave me a hare, which was too small for the amount of essence passed through it, and was burned to a crisp. My assistant then persuaded me that something bigger was needed. 'A man would be the betht, marthter,' he said, 'for a man ith alwayth a man at wortht, while a hare (ath everyone knowth) ith only a hare'. Tempted by the prospect of re-animating a human being, restoring life to that which should be long dead, I foolishly agreed with him, and he undertook to provide a suitable cadaver.

And he did; a guaranteed fresh corpse, provided by one Mr. Dibbler, who swore it had been walking and talking only that morning. It was certainly dead, being a nasty shade of grey and betraying no sign of breath or movement. We strapped it to a table, and attached copper wires to it. The other end of the wires led to a bank of lightning-storage jars. Once all was prepared, the switch was thrown, and the essence began to flow, essence that we hoped would restore the lifeless body to animation.

Well, it certainly restored it to motion. In fact it jumped three feet four and a half inches in the air, cursed most foully, and demanded to know what the hells we thought we were playing at. Further rather heated conversation revealed that the subject of our experiment was Watch Officer Reg Shoe, and while not technically alive, he was definitely very unhappy at having large quantities of lightning passed through him, and wanted compensation for damage to his boots.

Once Mr. Shoe had been pacified, and had left, I resolved to abandon this line of experimentation, as it is clearly fraught with unforeseen dangers. I have paid Igor off, and am now cogitating upon more harmless lines of enquiry, less likely to cause inconvenience and distress to innocent parties.

Additional: I have thought of something. I know from previous experiment that all matter is formed of extremely small particles. Question; what force holds these particles together? And what would happen if one were to try and take them apart? An investigation into items on such a minute scale cannot cause any disturbance to the outside world, surely.

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