The L-Space Web: Filks

Phantom the Fastest Filker in the West


From: Warwick
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] Phantom.. the fastest filker in the west
Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 15:10:01 +0100

OK grateful thanks to Mole for getting the silly bulls to match in some of the tougher bits and afpologies to all those named in this filk.

For some reason this machine has started to behave oddly.. I hope to gods this isn't going HTML on me.

You could hear his heartbeat pound as in parody he drown'd,
And the scribble of his pen as he turn'd the meaning 'round.
And he galloped into A.F.P., his badge upon his chest,

His name was Phantom,
And he wrote the fastest filk songs in the west.

Now Phantom loved an afper, a lady known as Joy,
She posted alone from her island home and loved her ghostly boy.
They said she was too good for him, she was orderly, proud and chic,
But Phantom got his chocolate there three times every week.

They called him Phantom, (Phantom),
And he wrote the fastest filk songs in the west.

She said she'd like to read his filks, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart.
He said, "D'you want them plagiarised? 'Cause plagiarised is best"
She says, "Phantom, I'll be happy if they just avoid my chest."

That tickled old Phantom, (Phantom),
And he wrote the fastest filk songs in the west.

Now Phantom had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Tone Mole from Hetton-le-Hole and he drove a filker's van.
He tempted her with his singin arts and his chorus keyboard led,
And when he harmonised and then choralised it very near turned her head.
She nearly swooned at his carol tunes and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have serenades each morning and tutti every night."
He knew once she sampled his counterpoint he'd have his wicked way,
And all Phantom had to offer was a classic filk a day.

Poor Phantom, (Phantom),
And he wrote the fastest filk songs in the west.

One lunch time Mole saw Phantom's filks and Moth inside her thread,
It drove him mad to find they were still there at time to bed.
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood filled his heart with wrath,
And he went across to Phantom's filks and didn't half flame his Moth.

Whose name was Quantum, (Quantum),
And his panto's in those filks they were the best.

Now Phantom rushed out into the thread, his lyrics in his hand,
He said, "If you wanna marry Joy well, you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh why don't we 'flame on' for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting we'll have five quid on the side."
Now Phantom dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Mole went for his pun.
But Phantom was too quick for him, things didn't go the way Mole planned,
And a melodic ryhming couplet sent it spinning from his hand.
Now Joy she ran between them, and tried to keep them apart,
And Phantom, he pushed her aside and a ballad caught him underneath his heart.
And he looked up in pained surprise and the raucous off-pitch lust,
From the sonneteer caught him in the ear and Phantom bit the dust.

Poor Phantom, (Phantom),
And he wrote the fastest filk songs in the west.

Phantom was only twenty-two, he didn't wanna die,
And now he's gone to make his parodies in that filk place in the sky.
Where the readers all are admins and ferocious Dog is banned,
And the filkman's life is full of fun in that comic lyric land.
But a woman's needs are many fold so Joy and Mole were wed,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that Something "Behind them!"? Or did the Dog just bark?
Or Phantom's phaery filkings
Still A-posting in the dark?

They won't forget Phantom, (Phantom),
And he wrote the fastest filk songs in the west.

Warwick


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