The L-Space Web: Filks


Author: AfPhantom
Date: 17 Jun 1999

Peter Ellis wrote in message ...

[snipped Raven filk, but with reluctance]

Er... well... me an' the lads thought we'd do a little number 'cos we thought yer pome was so good n' all an' the boss says it's OK, so... um... here goes...

<fx: The spotlight moves to a dimly-lit, tatty stage in a smoky concert hall in the back-streets of London... As the band strikes up a perky "oompah-oompah" melody, the Seraph enters stage right, dressed in sooty, ragged clothes and wearing a flat tweed cap set at a jaunty angle. The audience cheer and whistle as from behind the musty curtains at the left of the stage, Heaven appears; clothed in a frilly dress with disturbing flounces and demure decolletage. She twirls a parasol gaily as she skips to the centre of the stage to link arms with the Seraph.>

<fx: As the two prance in a merry circle around the centre of the rickety platform, the back curtain goes up to reveal the Heavenly Host; outfitted as chimney sweeps, street urchins and miscellaneous turn-of-the-century types, arms linked in chorus-line fashion as they start to sing...>

Even though the subject matter's something quite atrocious
Peter and the Megamole are clever and precocious;

<fx: As the chorus-line stumbles into a soft-shoe routine, Raphael can be seen with a grimace on his face, dressed in a pink chemise and shuffling his feet despondently. One of his arms is behind his back and he winces occasionally, although this surely has nothing to do with the Archangel Miq standing behind him in frock-coat and top hat, a scowl of concentration on his face as he does his best to twirl in time to the music... The um-diddle-diddles fade away as the Seraph launches into the first verse, not just hitting the notes but giving them a severe pummeling in a chirpy Cockney accent...>

"Because of drivel posted by a sick and twisted lad,
I almost left the group behind for fear it had turned bad.
But then that day I read a filk that joy and laughter sows;
The greatest filk you ever heard and this is how it goes -


<fx: The Seraph grabs a broom from thin air and spins it around as the Host take up the chorus. The audience sniggers as Uriel wanders onto the stage and tries to join in with the dance steps, somewhat behind everyone else...>

If you troll with half the brain cells of a dip-lo-do-cus,
Peter and the Megamole will write a song bespoke f'rus;

<fx: Heaven winces visibly at the terrible rhyme in the third line, but recovers gamely and starts the next verse in her soft, melodic voice...>

"The filk has travelled 'round the world, to ev'ry server sent;
And all who read it laugh and say, "There go two clever gents!"
If stupid trollful postings cause you gloom and mi-se-ry
Just read their special poem and you'll fall about with glee!"

<fx: Uriel notices the shiny hair-pins holding up Heaven's elaborate coiffure and stumbles across the stage, arms outstretched. Luckily, Heaven spots him at the last moment and opens her parasol, zooming straight up into the air and leaving Uriel to fall flat on his face. He looks out at the audience and smiles happily - arms and legs still waving vaguely around in time to the music - and sings along into the dusty boards of the stage. The audience start chuckling, but become slightly restive as the sharper-eyed amongst them realise that there are no wires supporting the leading lady, and the word is passed around...>

Humour's still alive and well as Mole and Peter showed us;
Sing their praises high and low from France to Novum Scotius!

<fx: As the music shifts up a key and picks up the pace, Miq the Archangel gets carried away and leaves Raphael's side with some quickly-improvised tap-dancing steps. Raphael brings his arm from behind his back and tests it gingerly before copying Miq's dance... in the opposite direction. Some of the members of the audience are on their feet now, craning forward to try and spot the wires as Heaven, oblivious to the commotion, swoops and spins twenty feet above the stage. There is an exclamation from the stalls as the Seraph sprouts an enormous pair of wings and
launches himself into the air to join her, and the two of them sing the next verse together...>

"So if some moron trolls your group there's no need for dismay;
Just summon up these two fine men - they'll have a lot to say.
You Trolls should listen carefully, else they could spoil your life...

Their songs are funny and they know just where to stick the knife!"

<fx: Some of the audience are advancing towards the stage now, creeping up as if they can surprise the performers into revealing the trick. Miq the Archangel suddenly realises that Raphael is getting away from him and a look of anger contorts his handsome features. Moving with inhuman speed, he grabs a chimney-brush from the nearest sweep and brandishes it above his head, where it bursts into flames. The concert-goers take one look and decide that healthier revelry can be found elsewhere. Without wasting the breath to scream or shout, they have it away on their heels as fast as they can. The performers take no notice and build up to the grand finale...>

Even though the subject matter's something quite atrocious
Peter and the Megamole are clever and precocious;
[Pause for deep breath...]

<fx: Exeunt all, diverse alarums, much ado with with trapdoors, streamers, fireworks, and Heaven desperately batting away the flocks of bluebirds that are trying to nest in her hair. As Miq beats Raphael about the head with the Flaming Brush of Retribution, the rest of the cast variously scatter in confusion, take to the air, nip out for a curry and start heating up enormous vats of marmalade. Curtain falls...>

...some time later, after the dust has settled and the commotion ceased, a lone figure picks itself up off the floor and dances ponderously yet happily across the stage to music only it can hear, its shuffling footsteps breaking the silence...

"mumble-mutter-edgar-allen-murmur-rhubarb-toestuff thingy-burble-wonky-wossnames-purple-mud-and-bum-fluff"

...sings Uriel to himself as he pirouettes clumsily out of the room, smiling cheerfully.


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