The L-Space Web: Filks

Why can't the Spammers

From: Richard
Subject: Re: [I] Spammers was DONT CLICK 2643
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1999 10:26:37 +0100

hhdlwf wrote:
> Im testing this software. This is ONLY a test
> Put your feet up, smoke a ciger and be prosper.
> gzrevgzhnnmf

Well, this is obviously going to be a spammer sometime soon, so I thought Id give it an early warning.

"Why can't the Spammers?"
(with excuses to Messrs. 'iggins and Pickering)

A sung-spoken dialogue by one afper (unmarked) and the rest of the group, tutti[1] (marked AFP).

Why can't the spammers be more like afp?
Afp is so honest, though not always square;
Electronically noble, hysterically fair;
Who when you err will always pedant you flat.
Why can't a spammer be like that?
Why does ev'ryone post what the others post?
Can't a spammer learn to use its head?
Why do they do everything that irritates us most?
Why don't they sometimes read the FAQs instead?
Why can't the spammers take after afp?
Afp is so pleasant, so easy to please;
When you read them, you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't post for weeks?

AFP: Of course not!

Would you be livid if I browsed a web page or two?

AFP: Nonsense!

Would you be wounded if I laughed at commercial freaks?

AFP: Never!

Why can't a spammer be like you?
One afper in... er... ten may shout a bit;
Now and then a troller tries a coup;
One perhaps whose truthfulness we doubt a bit;
But by and large we are a marvelous group!
Why can't the spammers behave like afp?
Afpers are so friendly, good-natured and kind;
A sedater newsgroup you never will find.
If I were days late in replying, would you bellow?

AFP: Of course not!

If I mailed a spammer's provider, would you fuss?

AFP: Nonsense!

Would you complain if I pedanted some fellow?

AFP: Never!

Why can't the spammers be like us?
Why can't the spammers be more like afp?
Afpers are so decent, such regular chaps,
Ready to help you through any mishaps,
Ready to buck[2] you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't a spammer be a chum?
Why is thinking something spammers never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Posting inane adverts is all they ever do.
Why don't they put some sensible words inside?
Why can't the spammers be more like afp?
If I were a spammer who'd spammed this group,
Had my ISP complained to by the whole netcop troupe,
Would I start flaming like a Klatchian Fire Engine?
Carry on as if my home were in a tree?[3]
Start legalising, threatening, and whingeing?
Why can't a spammer be like ME?

[1] If, that is, we can for once get afp to do something _tutti_.
[2] Yes, _buck_.
[3] With the most abject excuses to the Librarian and his relatives, but this _was_ in the original.


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