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Bonkers Bestiary vol 2 - Bush Tucker


From: MegaMole
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] Bonkers Bestiary Vol. 2 - Bush Tucker
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 18:09:48 +0100

A follow-up to the Dugong Song - hope you like it. More Unfeasible Animals from Wallonia and Duck's Bonkers Bestiary coming later.

I was out in the Outback one evening,
Feeling warm Aussie sun on my back,
When my stomach warned me with a rumble
That I'd best get some food from my pack.

Now I have no head for directions,
And my memory's honestly crap,
So only then did I remember
I'd forgotten my tea and my map.

I thought "Woe is me, I am done for.",
In some rather less decorous words,
When a voice by my elbow said "Fella,
Would you like to try some of these birds?"

I turned to the man who addressed me,
A bloke clad in nothing but air,
He'd some paint on his face, but looked friendly,
Ev'n ignoring my ignorant stare.

His hand held a stick with some birds on,
Which he offered me, calm as you please -
But I've never been fond of raw feathers,
So I asked my new friend "What are these?"

Then beckoning me somewhat closer,
He showed me a table he'd placed.
On it steamed dishes of foodstuffs
Prepared with attention and taste.

He sat on the red desert surface,
And told me I should do the same.
Proud as an experienced gourmet,
He showed me each plate, and its name.

"Right, mate, let's start with the main course.
There's potoroo hotpot and mash;
We've got New Guinea cuscus with couscous,
And fresh buttered bettong - quite flash.

And I go num-num eating numbat,
Broiled brolga is nice with mangetout,
I can offer you platypus platter,
Or a cocka-kebab - one or -too?

Now here we have curried koala,
The ears always go on the top..."
He noticed my worried expression,
And asked me "Hey mate, should I stop?"

"Go on", I replied, fascinated,
As my nausea vanished with greed,
"OK, she'll be right, mate", replied he,
"Perhaps it's dessert that you need?"

"I can offer you jellied goanna,
Or yabby and quoll caramel;
Perhaps a shingleback souffle,
Though you might be put off by the smell..."

It was then my resistance was broken;
I grabbed knife, fork, spoon and a plate,
Heaped helpings of everything on it,
And, in gastronome heaven, I ate.

"Too right, this is fair dinkum tucker;
It's better than food off the shelf -
But I reckon, mate, I'd better tell you
I don't know the way back myself!"

She'll be right, mate.

Paul Smith


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