The L-Space Web: Filks

Clue, Oodious Clue


From: AfPhantom
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] A Resipee for Disaster - a new term at St. Custard's. Long-ish. OK then, long.
Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 23:40:02 +0100

I trust that those I have included who are already much-loved friends will forgive my gentle leg-pulling; I'm sorry guys, I couldn't help myself! And this certainly isn't aimed particularly at you, Gid me old mucker - you just have the misfortune of being an Old Fart whom I have met and am rather fond of :-)

As for those others I have included, I hope that they will also forgive me, or at least don't get so browned off that their heads explode - I do so hate to see good computer equipment spoiled for the lack of a sense of humour ;-)

Decide for yourselves which category you fall into :-)

And so, with the very deepest apologies to fans of Willans and Searle...

***

It is the end of the jolly old hols and Mater hav decided in her wisdom hem hem to force the young molesworths to pla the PIANO in their final hours of freedom chiz chiz. molesworth two goe on hunger strike but crack after ten minutes and sneak a dog biscuit so losing sympathy of the court and we are DOOMED.

I sta around after my lesson to watch molesworth two and giv him benefit of my greater experience. "Molto forte," i instruct him "you pla like a gurl and a weed alsoe".

"You sla me bro," he riposte and try to slam the musik masters hands in the lid but miss and we get ekstra lessons instead chiz. After a few hours we get respite from skales when the evil musik master go for an opium brake. "brother mine," sa molesworth the second, a vicious gleam in his eye, "your feeble jape hav given me a PLAN."

When the musik master return, the molesworth-molesworth kustom piano-acoustic-enhancer Mark I is reddy to go and molesworth two pla 'fairy footsteps' ovr and ovr so forte that the ceiling drop bits into the piano and the dog howl (altho this cuold be bcos he hav his tail trapped in the soft pedal hem hem).

Piano master can stand no more, "Silence!" he sa, "Desist!", but his pleas fall on deaf ears e.g. bcos I have stuffed mine with cotton wool and molesworth two hav not cleaned his since February.

The rent-a-beak flee with his hands over his ears cheers cheers but molesworth two is determined to hav his revenge and as he pla a triumfant crescendo Pater goes to INDIA to eskape the noise and mater hav hid in the cole shed and nailed the door shut.

I clap my snotty bro on the bak (this hav ekstra benefit of making him miss notes which is no bad thing) and give him CHEERS for there is no-one left to send us to skool. We celebrate with mater's cooking sherry that she think pater do not kno about hem hem. We do not notice mater sneak out of the cole shed to fone GRIMES the mad maths master and so we are undone.

Befor we kno it two burly beaks have turned up and clapped us in irons. We protest at this infrinjment of our civil liberties by kicking them inna forks but they hav been WARNED and wear cricket boxes so it is no use chiz. We bribe them with the last of the sherry and it looks like all is well for they drink it but grimes the mad maths master hav washed their branes so then they laff and put the boot in.

Ho-hum and its bak to the hallowed halls of St. Custards, RA SKOOL i dont think chiz chiz.

***

First lesson is eng. lit and Mizz Suzi the dreaded cannibal eng. beak (who shuold be a fr. beak with a name like that but no matter) giv us all a look of disgust.

"Who hav done their homework, prey?" she sa, sharpening her swiss army filleting knife and it looks bad for yrs truly. My grate freind peason step on foot-pedal for secret trap door under her chair leading to lime pit but alas! It hav alreddy been discovered and stuffed full of previous victims so it do not open chiz chiz. She fix her beady eye on the molesworth person and i quake in my new skool boots and disintegrate in her 10,000-watt laser stare in a burst of steam. Just as the last atomms boil away and yrs truly is about to confess all "Hullo clouds, hullo sky!" sa a voice and i am SAVED!!!!

"Me! Me! I hav my homework!" cry kate fothering-folsom (who is a GURL and a swot) as she stagger towards the beak under grate piles of paper. "I want to be an eng. beak like you and so i hav writen ten squizzilion essays and they are all about wonderful ME and how grate i am cheers cheers."

"Foolish gurl," sa miss suzi the eng. cannibal, "Do you kno nothing? first essay you write must be about SKOOL and how grate it is - else how can we forge letters home to your parents? This is utter rot and weedy besides and you will never be an eng. beak."

"B-b-b-but," blub fothering-folsom, "i hav writen like a whiz and there is pots and pots about me and angst and me and misery and suffering and me. alsoe i hav used the word 'bittersweet' a lot,"but it is no use.

"Report to my study this evening," sa miss suzi, "and dont forget the tomato sauce, and she is too busy salivating to read other homework so molesworth survive his first trial cheers cheers.

***

After brake the next lesson is compsci which is not a fitting subjekt for the gorilla of 3B who prefer more healthy outdoor pursuits like rugger where he can fane illness and make rood noises from the touch-line hem hem.

All is not lost tho bcos the new compsci master mr. holyoake is not like other compsci branes but is a WHIZZ who drink BEER and have freinds and altho he hav a beard it is not goaty. He wipe froth off his chin as the klass enter and only wince slightly at the sight of the handsome molesworth profile.

"Afternoon klass," he sa burping hugely "your projekt is to make your computers write dirty rhymes with a prize of BEER for the winner."

peason and i set to this task with enthusiasm as it is more appropriate to our natural talents than weedy lat. or eng., but fothering-folsom who are a sneak as well as a swot sa she will report him. 3B grone in disgust but holyoake breathe on her and sing rood songs until she goe qwiet soe the danger has passed cheers cheers.

lesson end and molesworth proudly show off his new compsci ability for computer-generated dirty rhymes. "molesworth, you sla me," sa holyoake "and the prize wuold be yorse if only i had not drunk it."

The gorilla of 3B is undaunted and organise a PROTEST by throwing bread rolls at the new pupils during dinner brake but all that happen is that the cook resign in disgust and yrs truly get 1,000 years in detention.

I am summoned to the STAFFROOM where the Head eye me sternly. "Why oh why hav we no cook molesworth?" he sa, "Lose all your brake privileges until you are ten million years old."

I am about to make a STAND for JUSTISS but holyoake jump up and sa "Molesworth hav right to free expression and besides hav alreddy lost his brake privileges for feeding water biscuits into FLOPPY drive during compsci. I am a whizz cook and a brane also, i will do dinner until a new cook be found,"

Later i find a NOTE in my desk which read

"no mention of BEER molesworth or i marinate you in thousand island dressing and send you to mizz suzi's study.

Yrs.,

A Freind"

***

When the beaks call the rejister in the skool hall it seem that m clapham who hav been in 3B for some time is MISSING. The head goe red like a beetroot and start shouting but no-one knoe anything and he remark there is nothing new ther then hem hem and the bell ring for lessons chiz chiz.

as we goe to klass, grabber (winner of mrs joyful prize for raffia work) whisper "i knoe where clapham hav gon, oh molesworth."

"oh reelly," sa i "and how hav you learned this rummour?"

"it are no rummour as any fule kno," he sa "for i hav herd the cannibal eng. beak speke of it. it appear that he hav writ luv letters to GURLS and turn up at thier howses during hols."

i am unconvinced for the molesworth brane is not easily fooled, but for once he hav the look of sinserity on his spotty feetures.

"then why," sa i "hav he not come back to klass?"

"it is simple, thou doubting molesworth," sa grabber "he hav wrote one to mizz suzi to, and hav turned up at her howse alsoe. It woz a Sunday," sez grabber "and the butchers woz therefore clozed," and with this he walk off.

peason turn GRENE, but i am filosofikal as ever. "peason," sa i "i spose it was onlie a matter of time bfore he write one to fothering-folsom and ther wuold hav been no hope for him. it was the kindest way reelly," and peason agree.

Toda it turn out we hav to do DRAMA, wich is a subjekt for GURLS where we do PLAYS. peason sujest "midsummer nites dreem" with chapman the rite-wing games master as the asses hed. We laff and sa cheers but we r interrupted by a familiar skweek.

"Fa-la-la," sa fothering-folsom, who hav proved to be too sickly-sweet for mizz suzis palatte chiz chiz, "i shall be a QWEEN of the fairies and fal in luv with a prinse and hav a kastle with a moat and i shall despair and ring my hands alsoe," but it is not to be.

"Be qwiet," sa holyoake, "you are a wet and a weed even for a gurl. we will do OLIVE TWIST and you will be a cheerful ORFAN and sa nothing."

fothering-folsom blub but holyoake is a whizz shot with a blakboard eraser and knock her senseless cheers cheers.

next he hand out SKRIPTS for us to learn until dinner when mr holyoake mak announcement about his new ekstra job as cook and evryone CHEER.

It giv us the horrors when we go to dinner to lurn the TRUTH. Holyoake the compsci master used to be a whizz cook and a brane but hav FORGOT all his recipes and only kno how to cook hot water and something he call "clue" (altho vicki martin sa holyoake havnt got one and lose all her brake privs too cheers cheers).

When he go to dinner and see bubbling pot of CLUE, yrs truly wisely keeps mouth shut and filches choccy from moths tuck bag insted but sum are not so lucky. fothering-folsom swallow grate lumps of steaming clue along with the other new bugs.

holyoake is very PROUD of his clue that he hav been cooking for YEARS and it taste like it too hem hem sa peason but mr h is not amused.

"Listen up klass," he sa "any pupils wot dont kleen ther plates first time must eat ekstra helpings." I grone and holyoake point his beard in the molesworth direction. "that mean you too molesworth," qwoth he "ther are starving weeds in INDIA who wuold be grateful for good hot clue like that so put down that choccy else i will thwap you with this blakboard eraser."

i choke down the clue with evryone else boo sucks but the gorilla of 3B hav a PLAN for REVENGE...

[time passes, space receives and boots it to matter, who r brought down 10yrds from the touchline by energy cheers cheers whizz for ATOMMS!]

it hav been 100000000 years on a clue diet and my grate freind peason and i hav got to use our plan SOON for it hav got WURS.

It turn out that ALL the beaks AND the new lags hav recipes for CLUE (most of then taste evn wurs than holyoakes)and they are all trying them out boo sucks. grabber thinks they are trying to kompensait for being new to st custards chiz altho that doesnt mak it taste any better hem hem. There is fighting in the dorm over who gets to dish out clue and now evryone want to hold the spoon and there is CLUE all over the plais evry time we go to dinner bcos they r so klumsy chiz chiz.

it is time to do the pla for DRAMA, altho chapman the rite-wing games master sa that the stage r not GLOOMY enuff and that mr GRIMBLE is too hansom altho how anyone can think peasons spotty mug is hansom is beyond me hem hem.

when we do the pla our master plan is REVEELED bcos peason an i hav used our sooper-skript-o-matic to change the WURDS so grabber who r olive TWIST sing;

"Is it worth the waiting for
If we live 'til eighty-four?
All we ever get is Clue. Hell!
Ev'ry day we say our prayer -
Will they change the bill of fare?
Still we get the same old Clue. Hell!

There is not a crust, not a crumb can we find,
Can we beg, can we borrow, can we cadge
But there's nothing to stop us from feeling quite ill
When we all close our eyes and imag...ine

Clue, odious Clue!
Farts wibbled and blustered!
While they're in a stew -
Not quite to be trusted!
These groups ain't just Old Farts' toys;
That's out of the question -
Move over for the new boys;
Please re-spect 'em!"

The HEAD step in and wav his arms and shout,
but the molesworth-molesworth kustom piano-
acoustic-enhancer Mark I does its evil wurk
and none hear him cheers cheers.

"Clue, odious Clue!
Tho' we all must try it,
Three helpings a day -
Is too stodgy a diet!
If new bugs make a mistake,
They're roasted and stewed,
Oh,
Clue, terrible Clue,
Frightening Clue,
Odious Clue"

mr holyoake step in and sing;

"Clue, glorious Clue!
What is there more helpful?
Stops folk being rude;
Can that be so dreadful?"

but peason and yrs truly riposte;

"What is it we care about?
Fun, laughter or ta-ags?
Both have their right place no doubt,
For new la-ags!

Clue, odious Clue!
Keep it on the menu
But serve it up in
Small portions and then you
Work up a good appetite
For int'restin foods -
Not
Clue, nothing but Clue,
Boring old Clue,
Odious... Clue

Clue, odious Clue!
Don't care if it seems right;
Brusque, caring or crude -
Just serve it in small bites!
Put something else on the plate,
When serving a meal in
This group - if it's not too late
For app-ea-ling!

Clue, odious Clue!
What wouldn't we give for
Less tired platitudes
More fun's what we live for!
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On
Clue! Stodgy old Clue!
Frightening Clue!
Terrible Clue!
Dead and dull Clue!
Mind-numbing Cluuuuue!

Odi...ous Clue!"

whizz bang wallop cheers cheers cheers!

the pla is over but wether it work or not remane to be seen and mizz suzi hav gon to the kitchen to get kondiments...

***

I'll get my shroud.

AfPhantom - Celeriter! Plus oleum fervens!


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