The L-Space Web: Filks

Quorn


From: Afphantom
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] Quorn (was: Re: [I] Cottage cheese (was : Question for English People))
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 22:16:32 +0100

James Whyley wrote in message ...
>"Wenning" wrote ...

>> There are more disgusting foodstuff.
>> Fat from a certain kind of frogs'
>> stomach, fermented all kinds of stuff ...
>> I have to admit that I think there is
>> a special piquancy about the taste of
>> fried fermented tofu.
>
> Tofu is not food, tofu is something evil
> and should be destroyed.

It is not - it could never be - as evil as QUORN! That vat-grown Comestible of Satan that masquerades as a foodstuff should be eradicated entirely from the face of the planet! In fact, I know a song about that ;-)

To those who have already been inflicted with the early version of this in private rendition, my sincerest apologies...

(To the tune of "Torn", by Natalie Imbruglia verse structure slightly altered for narrative porpoises!)

I was walking 'round the shops one day
I got hung'ry, needed somethin' to eat
Come what may -
Couldn't find a fast-food stall!
So I walked into this cosy place
Looked around, found a chair,
Prepared to stuff my face;
I scanned the menu in some haste

I couldn't think
What to try;
Ordered steak n' onion pie -
But what's goin' on?
Something's wrong - it's QUORN!

Let me out this place
Feed me somethin' real -
You know that this stuff tastes
Like wood-shavings off the floor.
Illusion never tastes
Like a decent meal
I'm wide awake,
And I can see
This dreadful pie is QUORN
Get it off my plate,
I'm in dread of QUORN...

So I told the waitress "this ain't right!"
She wouldn't hear, didn't care
About my sorry plight -
Voices raised became a fight...

I went too far,
I pushed my luck -
The waitress raised her hand and struck
It made my ears ring;
I slipped and fell in QUORN!

Let me out this place
Feed me somethin' real -
You know that this stuff tastes
Like wood-shavings off the floor.
Illusion never tastes
Like a decent meal
I'm wide awake,
And I can see
This dreadful pie is QUORN
Get it off my plate,
I'm in dread of QUORN...

When I woke my head hurt like hell -
I came around behind the bars
Of a prison cell;
Now I'm not feelin' all that well!

The judge has said
I have to stay
Jailed for Making An Affray
But I won't last long,
Fed on bread and QUORN!

Let me out this place
Feed me somethin' real -
You know that this stuff tastes
Like wood-shavings off the floor.
Illusion never tastes
Like a decent meal
I'm wide awake,
And I can see
This dreadful pie is QUORN
Get it off my plate,
I'm in dread of QUORN...

This was a public disservice announcement.

I'll get my shroud.

AfPhantom

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