The L-Space Web: Filks

The Night Before Hogswatch


From: David Chapman
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] The AFP Carol Service Part 8
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 22:24:57 -0000

Accept no inferior substitutes; this is the *real* penultimate installment...

THE NIGHT BEFORE HOGSWATCH

'Twas the night before Hogswatch, when all through the house
Not a PC was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that the Hogfather soon would be there

AFPers were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Clarecraft junk danced in their heads
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my socks
Had just settled down to watch films on the box

When out on the lawn there arose such a row
I sprang from my chair thinking "What the hell now?"
Away to the window I flew like a bat
To see if some ba*d was burgling my flat

The moon on the breast of the half-melted slush
Revealed things covered with grey slimy mush
And in the moonlight my tired eyes did define
A big wooden sleigh pulled by four massive swine

And the biggest damn bloke that I ever did see
I knew the Hogfather it surely must be
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he belched, and farted, and called them by name

"Get moving, Rooter! Move it on, Gouger!
You lazy sod, Tusker! And twice for you, Snouter!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
I'll count up to three, then it's apple sauce all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of pork and the Hogfather too

And then, with a thud, a crash and a mutter
I heard on the roof the loud bash of each trotter
As I poked out my head and was craning to see
The Hogfather realised we have no chimney

He spoke not a word, but went back to his sleigh
And carted all our Hogswatch presents away
So in future, in order to aid in his hard labour
We'll send him a card saying "leave with a neighbour"

He sprang into his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the down off a thistle
But I heard him exclaim words that don't bear repeating
And last of all, muttering "Damn central heating!"

Happy Hogswatch, one and all!


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