The L-Space Web: Filks

Welcome to the Killfile


From: David Ferguson
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] Welcome to the Killfile (FILK WARNING)
Date: Sat, 10 Feb 2001 12:10:20 -0000

Well, I didn't want to do this, but the voices made me [1]. this was kind of inspired by the recent appearance of A Certain Troll.

Before we go any further, <colours, mast, nail:> I rarely killfile and can only think of one recent occasion where I publicly plonked, and the plonkee in question is out now and the last time he posted seemed to be settling in nicely. IMO the killfile is just somewhere to pop people I can't bothered with for a while and see if they get Clue while they are in there.

Anyhooooo, on with the filk.

<FX: a dark, dank corridor, at the end of which is an ominous steel door,. as the camera pans in we see a sign which reads "Do NOT Feed The Trolls". Camera pans *through* the door into a small cell like room. the room is lit - dimly - by no discernible source. The only contents appear to be rotten straw on the floor and The Smell[2]. The walls are featureless stone and the high ceiling almost invisible. As we watch there is a sound like *PLONK* and a humanoid shape appears in mid air, falling the last few feet to the dirty floor. As it raises its head to look around we become aware of the mounting sound of guitars, then a voice begins to sing:>

<filk>
Welcome to The KillFile, by Gnus and Roses (TTTO Welcome to the Jungle)

Welcome to the killfile
You'll miss the fun 'n' games
We got filters all set up
Honey, we know your name
This is where you'll find
Peddlers of sleaze
Spammers, scammers, "make quick money"
Throw away the keys.

In the killfile
Welcome to the killfile
Watch it bring you to your
knees, knees
you I don't wanna read

Welcome to the killfile
You troll here day by day
Means your posts will not get read
And that's the price you pay
And you're a very silly troll
That's very hard to take
If you ever hope to see daylight
Grow up for goodness sake

In the killfile
Welcome to my killfile
Keep my, my, my filters clean
No one can hear you scream

Welcome to the killfile
Folk get put here now and then
Learn to post like a grownup does
And we'll let you out again
You got to think of what you see
It'll sink in eventually
You can say anything you want
But we don't have to read

When you're a troll you never
Ever want to grow up, YEAH!

<spoken>
You know where you are?
You're in the Killfile baby
You're gonna die[3]
</spoken>

In the killfile
Welcome to the killfile
Gonna stick you on the Shelf
In the killfile
Welcome to the killfile
Trolling is bad for your health
In the killfile
Put them in the killfile
Watch them argue with themselves
In the killfile
Welcome to the killfile
Watch it bring you to your
We're gonna send you down-HA!

</filk>

[1] you know the ones
[2] the kind you get in a cell with no "facilities" which is never cleaned.
[3] OK, perhaps not die, call it poetic licence.


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