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The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All v3.0


From: Mark A. Mandel

Unaware of alt.fan.pratchett (and perhaps just as well ;-)\ ), I have filked myself a version of the Hedgehog song, with 19 verses at the moment. After all, Nanny "tried to remember the words of verse seventeen of the Hedgehog song. There was something about goats, she recalled, but the details eluded her." So we need at least sixteen verses before the goats; and since she didn't think of it as "the last verse", there should be more after that.

I am attaching my lyrics to this message. If you will send me a hardmail address I will send you the written music as well. As noted, I reserve copyright in all of this, except of course for the actual quotations from the sacred texts (right!). You're free to post my words and music on the 'Net as long as you include the copyright notices.

The file contains considerable ancillary apparatus: notes and things, most of which would be superfluous to readers of the Pratchett pages. But the Doggerelogical comments explain my resolution of the two different rhyme schemes, and I suggest that you keep them with the lyrics even if you cut the citations.


The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All

Words and Music © 1994-1995 Mark A. Mandel, except portions in braces "{...}", which are (c) 1988 by Terry and Lynn Pratchett (see notes at end)
Reproduction permitted only if copyright notice and this notice are included. Please inform the author of any publication: mark@dragonsys.com or mam@world.std.com

[The marginal arrows (<<) pick out the verses I use for a shorter version. The other marginalia refer to the Notes at the end.]

Dedication/introduction/warning

This song is in... honor of the original Gytha, whoever she may be, nineteen verses, which is two over the statutory minimum, and extremely bad taste.

<<
Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day
when he heard a great shriek from the neighboring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his loins,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered at all."

Chorus (repeat after each verse):
Roll them all over and turn them around,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The sheep is a classic, as well you may find,
the llama's all right if he isn't too tall,
the donkey's a danger for standing behind,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You may pounce on the cat as he walks on his lone,
the mole has a hole into which you can crawl,
you must blindfold the basilisk or turn into stone,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The sow is a darling, so slick and so tight,
to cuddle and kiss as you lie next the wall,
but she don't chew the cud, so you'd better not bite,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The squirrel requires the climbing of trees,
which puts you at risk of a slip and a fall.
The dog's man's best friend if you don't mind the fleas,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
You can do it with a frog in a puddle or pool,
though you might catch a cold in your whatchamacall-
it, or {with a giraffe if you stand on a stool,             p.48
but the hedgehog} can never be buggered at all.

The rhino is often -- reluctant -- to flirt;
the termite's a challenge because he's so small
you might wash him away with your very first squirt;
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The bonobo monkey --
[spoken:] Will someone please tell the Librarian I'm not talking about him? HE'S in the last verse.
The bonobo monkey is willing to hump:
he'll do all his friends, both the big and the small.
He'll do it to you if you show him your rump,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The humans are OUT, if you value your life:
it's incest, my son, since we're relatives all...
unless you'd make love to your very own wife!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
I don't recommend that you tackle the skunk.
I did once myself, I'm ashamed to recall;
I must have been EXtr'ordinARily drunk!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The kangaroo's pocket can carry your tool
though her kick may propel you clean over the wall.
The platypus lurks in the muck of his pool
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The camel is likely to spit in your face,
but don't take it bad, for it ain't personAL:
he simply detests the entire human race,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

As a friend to the children, commend me the Yak;        H. Belloc
he's perfect to start them on when they are small,
for they cannot slip off of his very broad back,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can take a wild ride on a wild catamount
if your ears can stand up to his wild caterwaul.
You can poke your own fist, but that really don't count,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Take care when you lift up the elephant's tail
or beware of the fate that else may befall:
if you pick the wrong end you could wind up impaled!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

To futter the bat you must take to the air.
She'll flutter her wings and go into a stall
and pitch you off into God-only-knows-where,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

(Verse 17)             p.51
<<
The billygoat's habits, though pungent and weird,
you've got to accept if it's him that you'd ball:
he don't use cologne, he just cums in his beard,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The guinea pig's timid, and brainless to boot,
he's worse than no use in a ruckus or brawl,
but you can't pass him up 'cause he's so bloody cute!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

(Last verse) [slowly and deliberately]
<<
You can bugger a whale if you're willing to swim
or an ORanguTANG if you hang from a limb;
or make time {with a snail if you slow... to... a... crawl...,        p.315
... but the hedgehog} can never be buggered at all!

Final Chorus


Notes

Inspired by a few lines in Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters [N.Y.: Penguin, 1990. Copyright 1988 by Terry and Lynn Pratchett. A ROC Book]. The song is sung fragmentarily and passim by Nanny (Gytha) Ogg [citations below]; the two actual quotations from the song are enclosed in braces ("{...}") above, with page references.

Citations (copyright 1988 by Terry and Lynn Pratchett)

Page 44: Nanny Ogg, on the other hand, was enthusiastically downing her third drink and, Granny thought sourly, was well along that patch which would probably end up with her usual dancing on the table, showing her petticoats and singing "The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All".

Page 48: "-- with the giraffe, If you stand on a stool. But the hedgehog --" [Slight license taken with the article.]

Page 51: Nanny Ogg, sitting alone in her kitchen with her huge tomcat curled up on her lap, poured herself a nightcap and through the haze tried to remember the words of verse seventeen of the Hedgehog song. There was something about goats, she recalled, but the details eluded her.

Pp. 86-87: Granny navigated through the press of bodies by the sound of a cracked voice explaining to the world at large that, compared to an unbelievable variety of other animals, the hedgehog was quite fortunate. Nanny Ogg was sitting in a chair by the fire with a quart mug in one hand, and was conducting the reprise with a cigar.

Page 186: And thus it was that Granny, her hat and iron-grey hair dripping with moisture, her boots shedding lumps of ice, heard the distant and muffled sound of a voice enthusiastically explaining to the invisible sky that the hedgehog had less to worry over than just about any other mammal.

Page 315: ... where the cross-resonances and waves of conflicting echoes focused on a small, elderly woman who was waving an empty bottle.
"-- with a snail if you slow to a crawl, but the hedgehog --"
"It tastes better at the bottom of the bottle, doesn't it," Magrat said, trying to drown out the chorus.
"That's right," said Granny, draining her cup.
"Is there any more?"
"I think Gytha finished it, by the sound of it."

Doggerelogical comments

Assuming that the basic stanza is a quatrain ending in "The hedgehog can never be buggered at all", the "snail" quotation from p. 315 indicates a rhyme scheme of aabB, while page 48 ("giraffe") indicates abaB. I have used abaB throughout, with the exception of verse 1 (xbxB) and the snail verse. -- The stanzas with << make a good short version that includes all the quotes.

For my money, the last two lines of dialogue quoted from p. 315 can apply to the song as well as the booze, so I've decided that the snail verse should end the song. Its aberrant rhyme scheme can then be just one of several cues to the drunken crowd that in a few moments they're going to have to sing something else. The other cues, in this version, are:
The slowed tempo;
The use of "bugger" outside the refrain;
For those who are in the know and can remember back to the bonobo monkey, the mention of the orangutan;
Music rising to a climax at the end of the Final Chorus.

The first line of the verse about the yak is taken from "The Yak", by Hilaire Belloc (1870-1953), which begins thus:
As a friend to the children, commend me the Yak;
You will find it exactly the thing;
It will carry and fetch, you can ride on its back,
Or lead it about with a string.

Linguistic obiter dictum

Totally irrelevant to all of which is the following, from p. 101 (copyright as for citations):
"What ho, b'zugda-hiara*," he said cheerfully.
* A killing insult of Dwarfish, but here used as a term of endearment. It means "lawn ornament".

Credit

The original of this document was created by voice with DragonDictate for Windows.


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