The L-Space Web: Songs

A Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All v1.12


Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2:
The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 3:
(So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come
You'll never get through his impregnable bum
With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all)

CHORUS

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see,
You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee.
You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,
But to keep up with them you may have to run.
You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A hippo is funny but take care if underneath,
A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth.
Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain
If you take my advice you will save yourself pain
When the base urges strike you it's best to recall
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

CHORUS

Your hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun
You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun
But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can top a giraffe if you stand on a stool
Though a Jack Russell might make you look like a fool
But the fact still remains that if you want to ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you
And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu
Carouse with a louse if your weenie is small
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

It's hard with a crab 'cause its bum's watertight
The best way is sideways, then twist to the right
If you screw one, be thankful as shorewards you crawl
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

Great opportunities to drop your pants
Are Great A'Tuin and his/her elephants,
Though beneath Discworld, you have to stroll.
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A severely perverted Ephebian sage,
Abandoned all hope, and flew into a rage.
He had tried every creature, the great and the small,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

For a sheep, best try Lancre; when in Klatch, match a camel
Genuese laws permit almost every mammal
The Sto plains have sprouts (now, that's sick. What's your call?)
And the Hedgehog...

It's great fun with a bunny, if you don't mind the queue
And a hamster can teach you a hot thing or two,
For a bush baby's come-to-bed eyes we all fall,
But the hedgehog...

You can bandit a bison or shirt-lift a lemming
No need for discretion, though folk are condemning
When molesting a marmoset, stand proud and tall,
But the hedgehog...

Try mating a mongoose, or prodding a panda,
Or ramming a male sheep, or goosing a gander.
When passing the zoo, come in one, come in all,
But the hedgehog...

I've tried a stick insect, with some satisfaction,
And a housefly (it's true), though with little reaction,
With a funnel-web spider the fun'll just stall,
And the hedgehog...

Have you jilted your jennet? No need to be crass.
Breaking her heart for a nice piece of ass.
For beasts all have feelings, be they large or small,
Though the hedgehog...

Some say that a porcupine is just as bad
With those quills which protect from a man, bloke or lad
But there is a way through, if you fancy the crawl,
Whilst the hedgehog...

Though they give you the glad eye and tip you the wink,
Bringing you to the point where you're just on the brink,
Spurning yona's advances will be your best call,
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

It a long long time from May to September,
But you'll be limp and shorter 'less you Kevlar you're member,
So remember this my lads, from summer to fall,
They are lithe and sensuous, but can't be buggered at all.

*

You can screw a bat if you hang upside down,
You can hump with a whale but there's a chance you might drown,
You can try with a dragon but the risk is not small
Oh, the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

*

Planarias' rude areas have uses quite nefarious
Their cavity's the size of a molar when it's carious
Split one in half, and get an extra worm to maul -
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

A jellyfish will wobble as you wallop in your knobble
From gulping all that ocean it's well practiced for a gobble
Its stingles they will tingle as they twiddle round your awl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

With one lusty lunge you can stick it to a sponge
Promiscuous porifera will swallow all your gunge
You can hang up their corpses on your bathroom wall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.


This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup and the L-Space Web site.

If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses, please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them to Matthew Crosby or Leo Breebaart.

Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is if you stand on a stool, but this doesn't really rhyme. I've tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I missed any, let me know."


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