The L-Space Web: Songs

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all - fauna version


On Saturday 20 Nov 1999 Ulrich Schreitmueller added this version:

(strike up folk music chord so people can run for cover)

Weeeell...

As a zoophile wand'ring the World of the Disc
You can have lots of fun and face hardly a risk
If only this one Gloden Rule you recall:
That the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

If you come to Ankh-Morpork, try Hippo and Owl
Though the very thought may make some patriots howl
And if you get caught you'll be up 'gainst the wall
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The Orang-Utan seldom says more than just "Oook"
If you're quiet and quick and he's bent o'er a book
You may slip in and out again - this pleasure's small:
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Oh, and once in the library, try the Thesaurus.
Have your way with words (so to speak), though it did bore us,
Try the .303 Bookworm if your tool's rather small,
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Bright flashes and lights and much other such splendour
You'll see if you do it with a Salamander.
The Rimfisher sounds rude, but once and for all:
He's not - and you can't bugger Hedgehogs at all.

The Deep Water Blowfish might sound quite appealing
But pray stay submerged for that lovely slick feeling
If he reaches the surface, the display may appal,
Yet the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

While Tomcats are plenty and easily tamed
Avoid at all cost him that Greebo is named
He may scratch, bite and spit, disembowel and maul
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The Unicorn won't show unless you're a virgin
(That chance may be long gone, you sick little urchin),
First-timers are in for an act they'll recall
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

A Butterfly with fractal patters on th' wings
Could make you experience wonderful things:
As you do it you may cause wild storms and rainfall,
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

They say he's for life, not just for Hogswatchnight:
A Swamp Dragon's cute, but don't give him a fright
Excite him and he'll end up a fireball -
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

If speed you like, try the Ambiguous Puzuma
Just watch where you're going, or (as goes the rumour)
You will end up quite flat and smeared across a wall,
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Never look at a Basilisk, nor its reflection
Unless you desire an eternal erection
So just bugger him blindly, avoid his eyeball,
But the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You will find that the Raven, old carrion eater
Once buggered, imposes his own rhyme and meter.
And the Hedgehog, that old cheater, as I'm sure you've heard before,
Can be buggered nevermore.

(audience goes quiet, musicians exchange embarrassed glances)

Erm... Anyway.

(music strikes up again)

When you're sick of romancing and acting all flirty,
Then go grab a rat[1], it'll be quick and dirty,
If the rat should feel bony, a voice soon will call:
THIS ONE'S SPECIAL - HE TOO CAN'T BE BUGGERED AT ALL.

[1]: There are about three hundred Dwarf jokes about Rat Onna Stick, and none of them are very sophisticated.

You can bugger Tubul, Great T'Phon and Berilia
And Jerakeen too (for advanced zoophilia)
Just don't stand in the path of the sun's flaming ball
And the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You could go for the record and bugger A'Tuin
Though this, my friend, really you shouldn't be doing
For if you lose grip you will take quite a faaaall...

(draw out the last word with a lowering pitch, then end with a flourish)

...And you'll never do anything anymore at all!


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