The L-Space Web: Songs

A Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All v4.0


As posted on Saturday the 23 Oct 1999 by John Warden

Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

If you're feeling quite coarse, you can bugger the horse,
Or the palfrey, the jennet, the stallion (with force),
You can bugger the donkey, the mare, or the mule,
Though to bugger the pony is needlessly cruel.
You can bugger the bear, if you do it with care,
In the winter, when he is asleep in his lair,
Though I would not advise it in spring or in fall-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse, though his hole is quite small,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so awful thick
You'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the ox (if you stand on a box)
And vulpologists say you can bugger the fox,
You can bugger the shrew, though it's awfully small-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Herptologists gasp you can bugger the asp,
Entymologists claim you can bugger the wasp.
If an insects your thing, man, then just have a ball-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the bees if your down on your knees,
You can bugger the termites with terminal ease
You can bugger the beetle, the ladybug (bird!) too,
There's no end to the buggering that you can do.
And the elephant too, that you meet in the zoo,
Can be buggered if you are sure just what to do,
You will need a large mattress upon which to fall-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe, though it's ever so tall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so awful thick
You'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the cat if it isn't too fat
You can bugger the rabbit you draw from your hat
You can bugger the shark that you've chased in your yawl-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can bugger the ermine, and all other vermine,
Like rats, mice, and roaches, if you're not discernin'.
You can bugger the dog, it will come when you call-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
You'll get perforations in the worst place you can
The result I think you'll find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Although Mr. Tiggy is not very big, he
Avoids with great ease those who fancy his arse.
He just curls in a ball, shows his prickles and all-
And the would-be seducer leaves him in the grass
If you're that kind of fool, and you have a long tool,
Do it with a giraffe, if you stand on a stool,
Catch a yeti, who lives in the snows of Nepal-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you'll recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so awful thick
You'll end up with naught but a pincushion prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

For the hedgehog escapes the posterior rapes
Performed upon others of different shapes
Those who run, swim, or slither, they get it withal
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
It is said, if you try, you can bugger the fly,
Or the swallow as it skims so skillfully by,
Use a noose or a net, or lime (if you've the gall)-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You can order or shoo 'im, or run a knife through 'im
The one thing you cannot do is stick it to 'im.
If you try to seduce 'im, you'll end in a fix,
His prickles defend him against rampant pricks.
You can bugger the cow (I will not tell you how),
Or the boar, or the piglet, the shoat or the sow,
You can bugger the ass as it stands in the stall-
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pork a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appals
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so awful thick
You'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the ram, you can bugger the lamb,
You can bugger the ewe, though the wether's a sham,
You can bugger the tiger (it may caterwaul)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can bugger the seal, you can bugger the eel,
You can bugger the crab, though they say it can't feel,
You can bugger the bat as the night casts its pall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

For pro-simian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the snake (hold it down with a rake),
Though to bugger the quetzal may be a mistake.
You can bugger the billy, the nanny, the kid,
But to bugger the hedeghog just cannot be did.
You can bugger the slug, though it messes the rug,
You can bugger the different species of bug,
Or do it with a snail, if you slow to a crawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Antipodean pranks - you can fuck with a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna - go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so awful thick
You'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat but mind you don't fall!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You'll find that the hedgehog has hundreds of prickles,
To other hedgehogs those spines merely tickle,
If buggering hedgehogs is what gets you raving,
Just remember that first of all you'll have to shave him,
Else the spines on his back are so goddam thick
You'll end up with naught but a perforate prick.
Forgetting to pluck them has led to the call
That a hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

And while we are at it and talking of spines,
How about humping with a porcupine?
He'll let loose the shafts like a volley of darts,
To puncture you in your most intimate parts,
The spines on his back are too sharp to relate,
Porcupine-prodding - who'd contemplate it?
The results you will find will surely appal,
Porcupines too can't be buggered at all.

At the end of the day, when you've had your rough way
With all of those creatures, you'll just have to say
"That damned Erinaceous has been my downfall-"
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!


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