From: Adrian Ogden
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I][FILK] First filk of 2002
Date: 3 Jan 2002 14:43:04 GMT


To the tune of "If I only had a brain" from "The Wizard Of Oz"


  I'd spend my time connected
  Becoming much respected
  By afpers old and new
  I'd join in conversation
  No need for conflagration
  If I only had a clue

  I'd skirt around rejection
  By pausing for reflection
  Before my post is through
  The thoughts that I'd be thinkin'
  As I watch the cursor blinkin'
  If I only had a clue

  I say I've been online
  Since 1994
  Yet all the rfc's
  I've managed to ignore
  So I just post
  And post some more

  There's newbies who fit in here
  As if they'd always been here
  Within a week or two
  The regulars forgive 'em
  And I'd be right there with 'em
  If I only had a clue


  I wouldn't be demanding
  That afpers of long standing
  Do what I tell 'em to
  Restrained would be my bragging
  Immaculate my tagging
  If I only had a clue

  I wouldn't get a roasting
  for mindlessly top-posting
  I'd read the FAQ
  No more abusive yelling
  Or pointless AOL'ing
  If I only had a clue

  The way I post is right
  And folks should just comply
  My virtues I extol
  Their standards I decry
  They call me troll;
  I wonder why

  There's nobody I'm fooling
  With all my bratty mewling
  A change is overdue
  They'd welcome me with wibble
  And chocolate to nibble
  If I only had a clue


  Online are files a-sittin'
  That helpful folks have written
  To show me what to do
  And with my high speed modem
  I'd rapidly download 'em
  If I only had a clue

  Opinions ignorant
  And attitudes abhorrent
  Malicious things untrue
  The cussin' and the dissin'
  These things would all be missin'
  If I only had a clue

  Obscenities I'd write
  My fury to expend
  And then I'd breathe in deep
  And count from one to ten
  And then delete
  And start again

  I'd go from heartless toughie
  To being warm and fluffy
  Abuse I would eschew
  The group would be more pleasant
  whenever I was present
  If I only had a clue