Author: "markcooper" Newsgroup: alt.fan.pratchett Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 For the life of me, I can't recall who asked for it... but at last, here it is - the filk of Paradise by the Dashboard Light... no more Meat Loaf after this! Hope you like it... Mark Gaspode and Angua (was Paradise by the Dashboard Light) Maybe this is what would happen if Gaspode tried to have a date with Angua (c.f. MAA) *I. Paradise?* Gaspode: I remember every little thing As if it only happened yesterday Barking by the lake And there was not another dog in sight And I never had a bitch Looking any better than you did And all the dogs in Ankh They were wishing they were me that night (howls) But now our bodies are oh so close and tight It doesn't feel so good, it doesn't feel so right Your eyes are glowing like a flame in the middle of the night C'mon! Not so tight! C'mon! Not so tight! I may be cold and lonely, but that's all right I'll be in paradise if I stay all night... Angua: Ain't no doubt about it We're both in a mess Cause tonight's full moon And you don't smell the best... Ain't no doubt about it I promise we won't talk about it Ain't no doubt about it We're both in a mess... Gaspode: I know tonight's full moon And I don't smell the best Babe, I kinda like my heart And so I'm beggin', dontcha tear it out I may have been living too long But that don't mean that you can bite me, please... And I gotta let ya know That you will really regret it So close your eyes, 'cause this is no surprise It won't be all right 'Cause I've got Licky End and fleas... Oh gods, I feel you breathing in my ear I didn't realise that you'd come so near I'm gonna pee myself if I don't run from here I'd run all bloody night! I'd run all bloody night! I may be cold and lonely, but that's all right I'd be in paradise if I stayed all night Paradise if I stayed all night Angua: Run away if you can! One bite, and Nature does all the rest Ain't no doubt about it We're both in a mess 'Cause tonight's a full moon And you don't smell the -- Gaspode: I'm gonna run all the way tonight I'm gonna run all the way - No way am I gonna stayyyyyyyyy! *Gaspode runs like hell, Angua gives chase* Radio Broadcast: OK, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, two legs down, no fur on, desperate not to score, bottom of Peach Pie Street, it's no wind up and there he goes, running like hell down the middle, look at Gaspode go! This dog can really fly! He's made it up to Short Street and really turning it on now, but Angua's not letting up at all, she's not gonna lose a second; she's going to leap for the jugular... Here comes the turning into The Street of Cunning Artificers, and what a turning! He's gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he's in! No wait, Angua's skidded past, and now she's stopped short - Gaspode's really making things happen out there. A cook's come out with a plate, here's his pitch - Gaspode's going, and what an appetite he's got - he's asking for thirds! Here's Angua; but he's left her in the dirt! Safe but hurt! Holy cow, he's injured! He's still taking a pretty big lead out there, almost daring her to try and pick him off. Angua sees him, winds up, and she's gaining, gaining on the little pooch, the suicide run is on! Here she comes, squeeze play, it's gonna be close, here's the leap - she's gonna get him at the Hubwards Gate! He's not going to make it! * II. Let Me Chew on It * Gaspode: Stop right there! I gotta know right now! Before you go any further --! Will you bite me? I'll be a werewolf forever? Will you maim me? Will you try to bleed me? Will you make me a werewolf for the rest of my days? I'll be biting people in a blood-drenched haze! Will you bite me? I'll be a werewolf forever? Will you main me? Will you try to bleed me? Will you tear out my throat or leave me gasping for air? Leave me alone, and I'll tell no-one, I swear! I gotta know right now Before you go any further Will you bite me!!!? I'll be a werewolf forever!!!? Angua: Let me chew on it Gaspode, Gaspode let me chew on it Let me chew on it And you'll know the answer in the morning... Let me bite on it Give me your neck and let me bite on it Let me bite on it And you'll know the answer in the morning... Let me nibble it Show me your throat and let me nibble it Let me nibble it And you'll know the answer in the morning... Gaspode: I gotta know right now! Will you bite me? I'll be a werewolf forever? Will you maim me? Will you try to bleed me? Will you make me a werewolf for the rest of my days? I'll be biting people in a blood-drenched haze! I gotta know right now! Before you go any further Will you bite me? I'll be a werewolf forever? Angua: Let me chew on it Gaspode, Gaspode let me chew on it Let me chew on it And you'll know the answer in the morning... Gaspode: I'll be a werewolf forever! Angua: Let me chew on it!!! Gaspode: I'll be a werewolf forever! *III. Praying for the End of Time* Angua: I couldn't take it any longer Gods, I was crazed And when the feeling came upon me Like a tidal wave I started swearing to my gods and on my mother's grave That I would bite you, hairy little swine - I went and bit you then, you little swine! Gaspode: And now I'm praying for the end of time To hurry up and arrive 'Cause if I spend another minute like this Then no one in this place is gonna survive! You bit hard in my neck, you evil little cow And gods only know what I can do right now I'm praying for the end of time It's all that I can do Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with youuuuuu! * howl * It was long ago and it was far away and it was so much better than it is today Angua: It didn't feel so good It didn't feel so right I went over to the gutter And was sick all night...