From: "David Chapman" Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett Subject: [I] The AFP Carol Service Part 8 Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 22:24:57 -0000 Accept no inferior substitutes; this is the *real* penultimate installment... THE NIGHT BEFORE HOGSWATCH 'Twas the night before Hogswatch, when all through the house Not a PC was stirring, not even a mouse The stockings were hung by the chimney with care In hopes that the Hogfather soon would be there AFPers were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Clarecraft junk danced in their heads And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my socks Had just settled down to watch films on the box When out on the lawn there arose such a row I sprang from my chair thinking "What the hell now?" Away to the window I flew like a bat To see if some ba*d was burgling my flat The moon on the breast of the half-melted slush Revealed things covered with grey slimy mush And in the moonlight my tired eyes did define A big wooden sleigh pulled by four massive swine And the biggest damn bloke that I ever did see I knew the Hogfather it surely must be More rapid than eagles his coursers they came And he belched, and farted, and called them by name "Get moving, Rooter! Move it on, Gouger! You lazy sod, Tusker! And twice for you, Snouter! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! I'll count up to three, then it's apple sauce all!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky So up to the house-top the coursers they flew With the sleigh full of pork and the Hogfather too And then, with a thud, a crash and a mutter I heard on the roof the loud bash of each trotter As I poked out my head and was craning to see The Hogfather realised we have no chimney He spoke not a word, but went back to his sleigh And carted all our Hogswatch presents away So in future, in order to aid in his hard labour We'll send him a card saying "leave with a neighbour" He sprang into his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle And away they all flew like the down off a thistle But I heard him exclaim words that don't bear repeating And last of all, muttering "Damn central heating!" Happy Hogswatch, one and all! -- If we were perfect, we'd be invisible, wouldn't we?