I'm Leaving maybe Insane

From: Aquarion
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] [AFPanto] Part IV, Beanz Meanz Whinez
Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2001 00:34:16 +0000

"You're a fool. A moron. I've seen more intelligent things than you growing in my coffee. *Yeast* is more clever than you, and it commonly drowns in it's own excrement. You sold our cow, Our *prize* cow, which was the very last possession we own, to MP for a Handful of BEANS?!" Jack's mother was less than happy at this new turn of events, and had been shouting at him for over an hour.

"For that, you can sleep outside. With these stupid beans". With that, Jack's mum threw the beans out of the kitchen window where they scattered into the garden beyond.

By the time Jack had set up his tent it was dark.

Much later there was a very strange noise. The first thing Jack thought it could possibly be was the sound effects from some Nature documentary. It sounded like a plant growing very, very fast.

There was a good reason for this.

He got out of the tent, and, as he watched, the beans his mother had thrown away earlier were growing at a most alarming pace. Already well over 10 feet tall, and growing at a rate of several feet per second it was large, green, and - to Jack's amazement - appeared to have a ladder made out of vines going all the way up it's length.

"Gosh" thought Jack. "A giant Beanstalk. How..." he paused

"Unexpected."

The thing was just over two feet in diameter at the base, but didn't seem to be bending above. As he watched, it vanished into the slowly lightening sky above.

Jack got dressed - it seemed sensible in the circumstances - and, this being Panto Land, began to sing...

(TTTO "Leaving On A Jetplane", by Peter, Paul & Mary)

There's this beanstalk here,
I'll have to go.
I'm standing here, down far below.
I hate to think where this huge thing could lead.

And the dawn is breaking,
It's early morn.
My mum just won't care where I've gone.
Already she's so angry, I could cry.

So looks like I'll have to leave.
I'll be one less mouth to feed.
Whatever's there, it cannot be much worse.

I'm leaving, maybe insane.
Don't know if I'll come back again.
This beanstalk looks real high.

There's so many reasons, not to come down.
So many people I've mucked around.
I realise now, how selfish I have been.

I will have to leave, find somewhere new,
Something that I can really do.
If I come back, She'll never buy a thing

So please stay and hope for me,
Strange new wonders I will see,
Hope that I have got no vertigo.

I'm leaving, maybe insane.
Don't know if I'll come back again.
This beanstalk looks real high.

Now the time has come to climb it,
Hope that I can just survive it
I just don't know how long I'll have to climb

Dreaming of the future days now,
I'll buy back that mangy old cow,
About the time when I will gladly stay.

Please stay and hope for me,
Strange new wonders I will see,
Hope that I have got no vertigo.

I'm leaving, maybe insane.
Don't know if I'll come back again.
Leaving, maybe insane.
Don't know if I'll come back again.
Leaving, maybe insane.
Don't know if I'll come back again.
Leaving, maybe insane.
Don't know if I'll come back again.

This beanstalk looks real high.

Jack began to climb the beanstalk.

There. That suprised you, didn't it?

[More Tomorrow]

Yours in total sincerity
Aquarion, Who has now run out of the prewritten stuff... must... write...

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